Quit your whining bitches!

Right, fuckyaz all who’ve been writing me hate mail telling me to write the blog. Times have been fucking hard, not that youz cunts would care. Its not like I’ve been too busy to write coz my acrylic nails are too long and I’m finding it hard to type. No. Its coz our fucken house burnt down and this is the first day I’ve had access to the internet. Even this I’m writing at the net café in the Westfields in front of Bed Bath n Table.

I’ve got about half an hour so I’ll make this quick. I’ll tell yaz about the fire later. More important than us being homeless though: according to the signs that have just been put up outside the station, there’s an election on the 21st of August and Lindsay is in the news about being an important seat. I don’t know who this Lindsay is mind you - the only Lindsay I know is the Lohan one and the fat one with the moustache who came to the Christmas BBQ at cousin Darryl’s a few years ago and who passed out in the baby pool and drowned but I don’t think that’s who they’re talking about. I’ll have to figure that one out later. But more importantly, where are these seats? I can’t even find seats on the Westbus to Cambridge Park these days so why does this Lindsay get some sort of important seat? What the fuck is so important about her? I’ll pretty much just smash the bitch if I see her.

The election stuff has been interesting though. A couple of weeks ago, while the fire brigade people were finishing off their investigations into why our house got burnt down when Maddhyson poured petrol down the kitchen sink and lit it, I came down to Franklins to pick up some devon and cream cheese for cousin Darryl and I got stopped in the car park and interviewed about the election. There were nice young guys there from the army or navy, whichever runs the boat people. They were asking questions for a show they were doing, called Chasing the War of Everything. Anyway they had some kind of navy or army boat parked there and they were nice enough to tell us about what they were doing to keep the boats out of Australia. They asked what I thought about boat people and I told them about the paddle steamer that runs up and down the Nepean. That could have picked up all sorts of illegal immigrants. My theory is that most boat people are trying to get to Blacktown. When they got off their boats at Darwin or Nairu or Easter Island, they looked at the map of Australia and saw Blacktown, and they thought, right, that’s where we’ve gotta go. So they all got back in their boats and came down the Nepean in that sneaky fuckin paddle steamer and cruised into Blacktown and they’ve been hiding out there ever since. That’s where this election campaign needs to be focused on I reckon. At the station at Blacktown or the Centro at Seven Hills. I told the navy people all about it and it got put on telly. When they asked whether I wanted the boat people let in, I said to them, ‘no way - not in my backyard’. I don’t have a backyard at the moment obviously, or a front yard, or a house, or even a spare pair of undies, on account of it all having being burnt down, but you know what I mean. People on Today Tonight say that all the time and I know you have to be pretty switched on to get on that show.

I’m not racist or nothing but I don’t want those immigrants taking our jobs. Not that anyone in my family has a job but if they did, I wouldn’t want them losing it one day to those boat people. You never know, Maddhyson could one day reach for the stars and aspire to work at a car wash café but how would she even get a foot in the door when those boat people are already all working there?

Those army/navy guys and that very gay man from the election ads, Tony Abbott, are spot on. The boats need to be stopped, ASAP. Yes, its true that my ancestors came here on a ship, but ships are bigger than boats and have more life jackets.

Drugs are a "sometimes" food.

If youz are reading this thinking drugs are cool coz of what I wrote the other day, I’ll tell yaz something: drugs are not cool at all. It was fun at the time, sure, but my come-down was so shit this time that I almost chewed the inside of my face off. Maddhyson’s was pretty shit too. I suppose you never know how speed affects a five year old but now I know: not so well. Like I said, she cleaned her room up real good and raked the garden up and even cleaned the shed and hydro equipment. She re-organised the bottles of chemicals in the ice lab alphabetically, which is pretty helpful coz it was kinda messy in there. Then she cleaned out the ute, polished our plastic cutlery with Windex and then picked up all the dead cockroaches from under our beds and made a necklace out of them by threading them onto a piece of string. She seemed pretty creative and enthusiastic about everything the whole day but then next few days she had big time burn out. She didn’t wanna eat her nuggets and potato scallops, didn’t wanna eat her jelly snakes, all she wanted to eat was grape Hubba Bubba which she chewed frantically until her jaws ached. She didn’t even wanna wear her cockroach necklace coz she said their legs were too scratchy on her neck.

I learnt several good lessons from this. Firstly, keep an eye on the amount of speed, or any other gear for that matter, that you give small children. Just coz they nag ya for more at the time does not mean that you give in to their demands like some kind of dumbass pushover of a parent. I see that at Franklins all the time, fat little fuckers at the checkouts with snot dripping down their faces, nagging their mum for a Snickers or a Cherry Ripe or a packet of Winnie Menthols and the mums just giving in without a fight or a slap in the face. Fuck that! How are the kids gonna learn that if they want that shit they need to work for it. Steal some car radios or CD’s or coins out of cars, sell some pot at their primary school or at least get a paper round or something. Kids just have no idea of the value of money these days and still haven’t grasped the reality that Cennelink only pays you once every fortnight.

The second thing I learnt is that except the times when your house is really messy and you want a good spring clean, its better to give kids downers rather than uppers. I know when I give Maddhyson a couple of valiums, she’s much quieter, less hyperactive and is much happier about being left home alone when I need to do important stuff, like get my acrylic nails re-done. Usually when I get home she’s in the same spot where I left her, on the couch, playing with the corner of the cushion until her fingers are calloused, sometimes drooling a bit out of the corner of her mouth but usually just relaxing and watching whatever is on the telly, coz she doesn’t have enough energy to change the channel.

And thirdly I learnt that although you try to be the best parent you can be, some fuckers like Bethany from DOCS are still gonna get up your ass about something or other. Bethany, if you’re reading this, Maddhyson’s fine, the rest of the kids are fine, us taking drugs together is a rare thing, and we consider it kinda bonding for the family. So don’t get on your high horse about drugs you fucking hypocrite. I know you’d give your kids cough medicine when they needed it even though everyone knows cough medicine is made from heroin. And I know you’d give your kids coke when they’re thirsty, even though everyone knows coke’s made from cocaine. So just stop telling me how to raise my kids and just SHUT THE FUCK UP WILL YA!!

EVERYBODY MAKE SOME NOISE!!!!!!!!!!

Could youz just shut the fuck up, allyaz who’ve been nagging me about writing. Especially that bitch of a cousin of mine, Em, whose thrush is really bad and who keeps using my thrush cream even though she knows I’ve run out of it from the last really bad bout of it I had. I know you’re reading this cousin Em so listen up – stop using my thrush cream, it doesn’t go unnoticed, I just never wanted to say anything about it before but this time I’ve had enough. You got that? Good. Coz it’s fucking $8 a tube and that’s $8 I’d rather be spending on goon or potato scallops. And yes, next time I see you I’ll pretend I was talking about some other cousin Em who doesn’t have thrush as severely as you - but you and I will both know I really am talking about you.

So I’ve been off the radar a while, yeah, but it’s not coz I’ve gotten hooked back on the speed. Ok, so it is coz I have gotten slightly hooked back on the speed but that’s not a good excuse for not writing, in fact, I should be writing more, and typing faster. On that note, you should know that I’m actually typing at 300 words a minute and I don’t know if you know that that’s fast but let me tell ya it’s fucking fast. If you were standing behind me right now and if you were I would shit myself and wonder how you got in the house, but say you somehow had gotten in without me noticing and Simone didn’t rip your balls off and you were standing behind me right now like some fucking stalker possibly holding a weapon of some kind, you would look at my two fingers on the keyboard and go FUCK she’s typing so fast, I’ve never seen anyone type that fast and you’d be right, you wouldn’t have ever seen anyone type that fast coz that’s how fucking fast I’m typing right now. It’s not just the speed though I mean it pretty much is but not only that, it’s just this amazing gift I have. I actually wrote this quicker than you’re reading it right now. You know how long it took you to read that last sentence, the one that said “I actually wrote this quicker than you’re reading this right now”? Well, as fast as you read that is as fast as I wrote this whole thing, I’m not fucking shitting you. I am on fucking fire tonight, WHOOOO I fucking love the world. I fucking love things like crystals and guinea pigs and sparklers, like the ones on birthday cakes and I actually also love birthday cakes and Holdens, I’ve never told anyone this but I love Holdens I really really love Holdens they are my fucking number one favourite car but I keep this secret, Gavo can’t fucking know that and don’t fucking bring this up when you come over if you ever come over coz I’ll fucking deny it. I also fucking love mountains coz they’re tall, not all of the bits of the mountain but the parts closer to the top of it are tall coz they’re really high up and I like that coz when you’re on one you can look down and see shit in the distance even if your ears get blocked or it gets cold up there. I also love elephants just coz they have trunks and shit and they can pick things up with their trunks, like bananas and carrots and bamboo but I don’t think they like eating bamboo although pandas do and I fucking love pandas, I seriously fucking love pandas, when I see a panda, whether one at the zoo or on a calendar, I fucking laugh coz they’re so fluffy and I think, fuck, imagine being a panda and lying around all day eating fucking bamboo and shit and having people laugh at you and wanna hug you coz you’re so fucking fluffy and I wonder if their fur really is soft and fluffy or if its actually kinda coarse when you touch it, sometimes things can be deceiving like that. FUCK I’m high right now!!! The funniest thing today was that I put a tiny bit of speed in Maddhyson’s milk coz I asked her to clean her room but she wouldn’t and I knew she needed some motivation so I put in a teaspoon and at first she was fidgety and cranky as shit but then she cleaned her room up so fucking good you wouldn’t believe it, she vacuumed and dusted and polished her ballerina figurines and then she insisted on doing a load of laundry and washed her sheets and Dora quilt cover set and when she finished with that she asked if she could mow the lawn coz she was feeling so awake and I said fuck Maddhyson, you sure you wanna mow the lawn, you’re only five, and she goes fuck yeah, let me mow it right now, I said, righto and I got her the mower but then I realized our backyard was just dirt, not much grass there at all, so she goes, fuck the mower mum, I’ll rake shit up, I need to rake shit up, so I got her the rake and she’s been raking the leaves and garden debris from one side of the garden to the other and it looks almost like a Japanese ornamental garden now, I don’t even know if I’ll still need Domestic Blitz coz the garden looks so fucking clean. FUCK I just had another line and everything feels great and Maddhyson just came in and asked for some of that “special milk” so I gave her some and now she’s back to raking, I’m not sure how much more raking the garden can take but now when I look out the window I realize she is re-arranging the hydro equipment in the shed, I’m not sure if that’s a good idea but fuck it she’s probably gonna do a good job coz she seems to really be concentrating on it. Hang on, she’s asking for a Chupa Chup.
Ok I just gave her a Chupa Chup, she says that’s all she wants for dinner. She’s a good girl.

So how long did it take for you to read up to that point? Two minutes? One minute? Well I swear on my life I fucking typed this out in thirty seconds with only two fingers, so fuck you all, fuck all of you coz I’m the fucking best there is, there is nothing and no-one better than me, not the Dalai Lama, not Michael Jackson, not Eckhart Tolle, not God, coz I RULE THE FUCKING WORLD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Domestic Fucks

I’ve been thinking of something for a while now, tell me if yaz think its fucked up. So like I told yaz, I want a backyard makeover. At the moment we have no grass in the backyard, its just dried up dirt and shit. Simone and the pups like running around out there and digging holes and mudpits and we let them do it. Anyway, apart from the Hills Hoist and Gavo’s rusted out Datsun 120Y, a few rubber tyres, tarpaulins, the shed full of mull plants and boxes of Sudafed, there’s nothing else in the backyard except dirt. So I said to Gavo, you know, I’ve been thinking about making up a sob story for Backyard Blitz so they’ll come do our garden for us - but I think I should really call them. Gavo goes, fuck Kyyles, calm down. Who doesn’t want a backyard makeover? But Backyard Blitz aren’t gonna come out to fuckin Penno for a makeover! And we don’t have any kids with a fuckin rare diseases or cancer or fucking mong syndrome or anything, so why would they bother coming here?

Sometimes Gavo lacks imagination and I’ve told him this before but he doesn’t fucking listen. So I said Gavo, do you reckon when one of those families ring up Backyard Blitz and they say their kids have some fucking disease, that they ring the hospital and check? I don’t reckon they would. Why can’t I make up some shit about Maddhyson having some fucking disease? So this afternoon I’ve been on google researching rare diseases. After much thought and consideration I’ve decided Maddhyson has Fibrodysplasia Ossificans Progressiva. Some of the choices were: Noonan Syndrome, Narcolepsy, Paraneoplastic Pemphigus, Hutchinson-Gilford Progeria, Smallpox or Polio. But for various reasons, the main one being that Fibrodysplasia Ossificans Progressiva is the longest sounding one, that’s the disease I decided on. Also this one doesn’t require Maddhyson to be disfigured or pockmarked or drooling constantly or falling asleep while drinking a thickshake from Maccas, so I guess it’s the most convenient disease for her to have.

Maddhyson and I had a good talk tonight and I asked her how much she wanted a trampoline. She goes, fuck mum, I’d love a trampoline! I said, good. I’d like one too, and a spa, and some decking and a new BBQ. So I told her, Maddhyson, this is what I need you to do. Mummy’s gonna ring some people from TV and get them to come over. You need to do a special favour for mummy though. You need to act like a bit of a hunchback for mummy and look like you’re in a bit of pain. I told her, remember when daddy backed over your leg with the ute? Maddhyson goes…. no. I said, good. Do you remember when mummy stapled your hand to the carpet with the industrial stapler? She goes, yeah. I said, shit. Well do you remember how you cried and cried, and then after a while you just sat there, quietly whimpering? She goes, yeah. I said, well that’s what I’ll need from you when the TV people come over. Can you do that? She goes…..will they give me a trampoline? I said, I think they might! You just need to say something like, I’ve always wanted a trampoline, even though I always knew that with my rare disease, jumping on one would always be too painful. Can you do that? Maddhyson nodded. Good girl, I said.

Then I made the call to Channel 9. They told me Backyard Blitz isn’t on anymore, but Domestic Blitz is. I asked the girl on the phone, does Domestic Blitz makeover gardens as well? She goes, yeah, they do a full house and garden makeover. I said, righto, I want one of those coz my daughters got…… Fibrodysplasia Ossificans Progressiva. She says, well, the way this works is that someone in the community has to nominate your family…I said hold on a fucken moment - what? Why? She goes, well, someone in the community would complete a questionnaire, answering such questions as From your experience and knowledge, has this person had any traumatic experiences? If yes, please describe. Also, you would have to own your own home….. I said fuckin what? You only do makeovers for rich-ass cunts who already own a house? Fuck that! What kind of racist sexist bullshit is that? We live in housing commission house like all the rest of the family, are you fuckin telling me we can’t be on the show? The bitch goes, I’m afraid one of the conditions of nomination is owning your own home, although that could also include having a mortgage.

Yeah. A fuckin mortgage. I ended up hanging up on the bitch. But I’m not giving up on this fuckin idea. Come hell or high water, those cunts are doing over our house, I don’t care what it takes. Maybe I’ll look for a rarer disease, or maybe Maddhyson will have to be involved in some accident where she gets burns to 90% of her body, I don’t fuckin know yet. Watch this space.

The Easter Show!

Took the kids to the easter show today. Let me tell yaz a few things about the easter show: one, its really fucking hard to steal show bags coz they’re behind a barrier. Two: stealing shit out of people’s bags and prams is highly profitable and Three: don’t eat 3 dagwood dogs and get on the Gravitron.

I’ve told yaz before how much I fucking hate spuing right? So we all sit down for a nice meal of dagwood dogs, everyone’s favourite. We’re eating, eating, eating away and Maddhyson gets the bright idea, I might get on the Gravitron mum. I said, nah, no fuckin way you’re getting on the Gravitron, not until you’ve had a coke to calm your stomach. She goes, nah, I’ll be right. I said fine, on you get then. I gave her some coupons we’d found in someone’s handbag and off she went. Now I don’t know if I told yaz the last incident we had with Maddhyson at the easter show. I probably haven’t so I’ll quickly tell yaz. Last easter show Maddhyson insisted she wanted to go on the Sky Flyer after eating 2 dagwood dogs, a bucket of chips and a pink fairyfloss. I was like, I don’t know about that Maddhyson, you’re only four. She goes fuck ya mum, don’t tell me what I can and can’t do. So I said rightio, on ya get. I gave her some coupons I’d found in someone’s handbag and on she got. Well, everything was fine at first of course but after about the 100th spin, she started to look a bit funny. Then she started spuing her guts up - but they were spinning around so fast, about twenty people got coated in her pink spue. She got off the ride all crying and with pink and yellow hair. I was so mad I refused to look at her or hold her hand the rest of the day, so she pretty much spent the day trailing behind me and the other kids and having to watch us go on every ride without her. After spending the day covered in sticky goo and missing out on most of the rides, I would have thought she’d learnt her lesson. But no.

So of course she gets on the Gravitron this morning. Luckily we can’t see inside it while its going so we waited about 6 minutes before the ride was over. She comes stumbling out, crying. But then behind her comes out another 15 kids, also crying. They’re all pointing towards Maddhyson, who looks green, and whose hair, which is usually blonde coz we bleach it, is now an orangey brown. All the kids coming out behind her were also all orangey brown. I said, right Maddhyson, that’s it. No more fucking rides for you today, or possibly ever. Then what the fuck does she do? She starts the fucking spuing again. All over the grass. I said, right, that’s it.

I got a rubber glove out of my bag, one of the ones we usually use for stealing and shit, and I grab her hand, and I fucking march her down to the showbag pavilion and I point up and I say, Maddhyson. Which showbags do you want? She stops her spuing and looks up at me with a glimmer of hope in her little eyes, as if she was thinking, wow, maybe mum’s not gonna be so mad this time. So she points up at the back wall and starts going…um…Bertie Beetle…um… Blinkie Bill….um….Blow Up Bubble Gum…um… Chuppa Chup….um…Freddo Frog…and um… maybe the Fizz Kidz showbags? I said really? She goes, yeah mummy, really! They’re the ones I want! So I said to her, well guess what Maddhyson? Guess fucking what? Guess exactly which showbags you’re not getting? Her little spue covered eyes filled with tears and she goes, um….the Bertie Beatle? I said, yeah Maddhyson. Guess which other showbag you’re not getting? Now a little bit of snot comes out of her nose as she realizes the gravity of the situation. So she goes…the Blinkie Bill? I nod and say yes, Maddhyson, you’re not getting Bertie Beetle, you’re not getting Blinkie Bill. But guess what other showbag you’re not getting? At this point Maddhyson let out a wail, like one of those wails on Border Security when one of the Chinese ladies finds out that her dried fish is being confiscated…that primal howl is what I’m talking about. So Maddhyson howls. I go to her, no Maddhyson – keep going. What other showbag are you not getting. She yells at me through her streaming tears: the Blow Up Bubble Gum!!!! I scream back at her, yes!! Keep going!! She yells, the Chupa Chuuuuuup….I said, yepp, and what else?? Maddhyson screams, NO!!! I’m getting the Freddo Frog and the Fizz Kidz!! I then say calmly ….. no Maddhyson. You ain’t getting shit for showbags this year…no fucking showbags at all. If you’d listened to me when I told you not to go on the Gravitron on a full stomach and without a drink of coke, you would be getting all these showbags. But instead, you get none of them.

Then, I deliberately left Maddhyson alone in the showbag pavilion, howling like a stuck pig, and I went and thoroughly enjoyed the easter show with the rest of the kids. The flying pigs were a highlight but we also loved the woodchopping, as well as the fancy rat parade.

Of course we could all hear the announcements about the lost bleached-blond five year old child in the showbag pavilion all day long, but do you reckon I went and got her? No fucking way. How do kids learn shit if you don’t put your foot down right from the start? They don’t, let me tell ya – they don’t.

Who wouldn't steal a handbag?

I spent yesterday watching DVD’s coz I had the worst hangover ever. I spued out stuff I don’t even ever remember eating, like peas, corn, carrots and a piece of sherbet straw. Feeling a bit better today but it’ll be a while before I go near Jim Beam again. A couple of days at least I’m telling ya!

Anyway, last week cousin Darryl gave us a whole stack of burnt movies, mostly porn but a few other ones as well, like Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, Charlotte’s Web, Aliens and some kids movies like Jackass. The thing that I found really confusing is that there is an ad at the beginning of each DVD that goes something like this: a person is snatching a handbag from someone and it goes “you wouldn’t steal a handbag...” Then there’s a person handing a TV out a window to someone waiting outside and it goes “you wouldn’t steal a TV”. On and on the ad goes, about all the stuff you wouldn’t steal. Then the ad goes “movie piracy is a crime”.

First of all, its bullshit coz everyone knows pirates don’t exist anymore except in Pirates of the Caribbean, which I know is fiction coz there’s ghosts and shit in it, so they’ve fucked up on that count. Secondly, what the fuck are they talking about? WHO wouldn’t steal a handbag? WHO wouldn’t steal a TV? WHO wouldn’t steal all sorts of shit that isn’t glued down? Who are these people? Everyone in my family has got to where they are today, which is mostly Penrith, Mt Druitt, Rooty Hill, St Marys and Blacktown, by stealing shit. What do they think Friday break and enters are all about? How the fuck would we have a Sony Bravia telly if it wasn’t stolen? How would I have such a beautiful and varied collection of snow domes from Paris, London and Mt Isa if they weren’t taken off someone’s dresser? How would our family enjoy such a high standard of living, eating nuggets twice a week at least and always having some sort of alcohol and ciggies at the dinner table, if it wasn’t for the involuntary kindness of strangers? Who is the target audience for this ad? Not my fucken family and friends. I wanna find out who made the ad and call them and tell them they fucked up big time and that their ad is shit and ineffective and for some reason, the more DVD’s I watch, the more I wanna go out and steal more shit. Coz I fucken hate people telling me what I can and can’t do.

Alright so I better let yaz know that Trenty’s ears got slightly infected last night. It got a bit red and itchy and hot, nothing major. He did scream pretty loud though once the Xanax wore off so Keith ended up taking him to the hospital. Apparently babies’ immune systems aren’t as strong as adults, so Trenty just had some difficulty fighting off the infection, that’s all. The nurse also said the ears didn’t look like they were pierced by professionals, but Keith and I told her in no uncertain terms that that was bullshit, if anyone knew about needles it was us. While the nurse went off to get something in the other room, Keith looked through the drawers and grabbed some stuff. We were really hoping for OxyContin or Vicodin but we didn’t have too much time coz the nurse wasn’t gone too long, so I just told Keith to grab whatever he could find in the drawers while I kept watch, so he did. When we got home we realized he’d only managed to grab whooping cough and swine flu vaccines and some saline eye wash but never mind, you never know when those things might come in handy.

Anyway, Trenty ended up getting his ears cleaned up and he got some antibiotics and it was all right as rain. Now he’s in our bedroom, sleeping like a fucken baby, coz he is one.

Keith is pretty excited coz he’s taking Trenty to see his mum at Silverwater tomorrow. Shayla reckons its not as bad on the inside this time as it was last time, but I think that’s coz she and her room-mate are getting along better. For example her new room-mate hasn’t tried to finger her in her sleep, and has only once threatened to stab her, so things aren’t so bad. She does miss Trenty though she reckons. I tried to cheer her up when she went in - I said, Shayla luv, trust me on this, missing the first five years of your kid’s life is a godsend. All your doin’ is cleaning up shit, piss and vomit and not getting much sleep, if I were you I’d think of jail like a fucken holiday but better, coz you’re not sleeping in a tent. And think about it, by the time you get out, Trenty will be starting school. Shayla goes, yeah, I guess so – but I think she was still cut up about it. I think she’s still a bit sensitive about kids, with the twins being taken away and everything. I told her to get over that too though, she’s 24, she can have a few more when she gets out, I don’t know what the big fucken deal is.

Anyway, I better go, Simone and her pups need a feed and Gavo’s having a whinge about dinner. I told him we’re having burgers tonight though and that he’s gotta go get em from the fish and chip shop, so I don’t know what the fuck he’s whining at me for. Seeyaz.

Trenty

Sometimes I get fully shocked by shit and yesterday was one of those days. I’ll tell yaz what happened.

So yesterday like I told yaz, I went with cousin Keith to take Trent, his two month old, to get his ears pierced. I told Keith weeks ago, Keith, Trenty’s a month old, what’s holdin yaz up with getting his ears pierced? I know with Jaydden, Jayson, Maddhyson and Shazza I got their ears done when they were four weeks old. No-one can tell me it didn’t look good coz it did. All their friends had their ears pierced at four weeks old so you know, peer pressure was also a factor. Last week I said, Keith, Trenty’s seven weeks – come on! You gotta get his ears done, all his friends at the community health centre are gonna be commenting on his lack of ear jewellery. Finally this week, Keith said, righto then, let’s get it done.

So down we go to the plaza, the same place where Shazza got her nipples done. She was only 13 at the time but a few of her friends were doing it so I told her no worries Shaz, go and get it done if that’s what you want, and she did. Apart from a few infections and a couple of fevers and a few visits to emergency when she’s got it hooked on a rug or a friend’s ponytail, she’s had no problems with it whatsoever. The point I’m making is that Shazza was underage but they still did it, no probs, no fuckin lectures. But in we walk yesterday and we go, hi, we wanna get Trent’s ears pierced. The stupid bitch at the front counter goes, nah, we don’t do babies. I said, what the fuck do you mean you don’t do babies? The girl goes, we don’t believe that babies should be getting their ears pierced, it’s completely unnecessary. At that point Keith’s ears pricked up coz he doesn’t like being told he’s a shit dad. Ever since the twins got taken away last year it’s been a bit of a sore spot for him. So he goes, what the fuck did you say? She goes, I said we can’t pierce your baby’s ears coz he’s too young. Keith fucking lost it let me tell ya. He chucked a massive shit, yelling out, are you telling me how to raise my fucking kid? Are ya? Is that what you're fucking trying to do? The girl goes, nah, I’m not telling ya how to raise your kid - all I’m saying is that we can’t pierce your kid’s ears. Keith goes, right, so what’s the fucking age limit on getting ears pierced in this shithole? The girl goes, six – the child’s gotta be at least six. Keith goes, six months or six years? The girl goes, six years. Keith goes, right. Trenty’s six years old. The girl rolled her eyes and said, I’m sorry, but your child is quite obviously not six years old, he’s a baby. Fuck me - Keith got even more pissed off at that point. He goes, are you telling me I don’t know how old my own child is? I’m fucking telling ya that Trenty’s six, he’s just small for his age! He's got some disease! It was on Today Tonight! Just fuckin pierce his ears! Or if you're not gonna fucken do it, give me the fuckin piercing gun and I’ll do it myself!

At that point security was called and Keith, Trent and I were escorted out of the plaza. Again. Can you fuckin believe that shit? It’s bad enough DOCS interfering and tellin ya shit all the time - don’t do this, don’t do that, don’t leave your kids in the car with the window rolled up, make sure there’s an adult in the house minding your kids when you go away for a week, don’t feed your kids only fried food, make sure your kids go to school every day, check your kids for lice, get them immunized, comb their hair, buy them new uniforms when they grow out of their old uniforms, sign their homework form, don’t shoot up in front of them – does it ever fuckin end?

That’s how we ended up at our place, with the needle Gavo used to shoot up earlier in the day [while the older kids were at school thank you Bethany from DOCS if you’re reading this]. And don’t get ya knickers in a twist, he wiped it down with Isocol first alright?! None of us are that fuckin stupid, even though I can happily report that Gavo doesn’t have anything except tinia on his feet and psoriasis on the back of his knees which isn’t contagious apparently. So while I numbed Trenty’s earlobes with some ice cubes, Keith got Gavo’s needle, all cleaned up, and pushed it right through Trenty’s earlobe. You’d think the screaming would’ve been loud but it wasn’t, it was just a little whimper, coz we gave Trenty some Xanax mixed up in his Karicare Gold formula so he was docile as, the whole time. We did the other ear too, no probs at all.

Trenty looks so cute now with his nice gold studs. Keith’s real proud. The Xanax has worn off though so Trenty won’t stop crying but I reckon he’ll cry himself to sleep soon enough. I did notice his ears are a bit swollen but I’m sure they’ll go down soon.

Ok, I better go, the screamings a bit high pitch now and getting annoying. Might give him a bit more of that Karicare Gold. Seeyaz.

Turns out Mercedes wasn't cured after all coz she snorted a line quicker than you could say "discharge papers." Gavo said maybe I shouldn't have tempted her but I reckon you don't know if you were successful at something until you're tempted with it again. And Mercedes just wasn't successful, and that isn't my fault, its the fault of the crap hospital where she'd been staying, obviously not getting her the right treatment. Whatever, not my problem. We had a fun night and that's the main thing.
Maddhyson finally stopped vomiting last night by the time I got home around 3am but god it annoyed me. I really hate it when people are sick and especially vomiting. It stinks and the noise is disgusting. Made her clean it up of course, I wouldn't go near that stuff with a ten foot pole. Even when she was a baby I wouldn't touch her spue, I'd make Gavo clean it up. That's just me.

So Friday break & enter was fun but we only got a few things: a camera, a My Little Pony set including My Little Pony stables (for Maddhyson), a chainsaw, some beer, a 2008 kitten calendar with stickers, a leopard skin rug and a torch. We only ended up doing one house coz a few of the ones we had planned to rob seemed to have cars parked out the front like people were home. We don't really like to break in while people are home, not with the whole family and especially not while Jaydden's wrist is still on an angle. I'm sure that'll heal soon though.

I've gotta go now coz cousin Keith is taking his 2 month old son Trent to the plaza to get his ears pierced and I said I'd go with them, so seeyaz.

Just a quick one

I was just gonna tell yazz about break & enter on Friday but I won't be able to right now coz Maddhyson's got food poisoning. All she had for lunch today was a bag of mixed lollies so I don't know what did it exactly, but she's on the toilet spueing her guts up. Anyway, I hate the sound of spuing so I'm gonna leave her to it for a while and go next door and visit Mercedes. She just got out of rehab this morning, so I'm gonna pop over with my bag of speed and see if she's cured. Seeyaz tomorrow.

Two kinds of bitches

Have yooz been wondering where I've been? Well I've got good news and kinda sad news.
Ok, good first. Simone had her litter!! She had 7 pups and they're all looking cute and like miniture killers already, at two days old. I mean not full killers yet coz they haven't opened their eyes and killed nothin yet, but soon they'll be savage like their sweet mum.
When Simone was a pup she already had the killer look in her eye and she attacked people all the time, it was real protective and nice. Gavo put that fightin spirit into her by yellin at her and shit, and having play fights that got savage. When Simone got bigger and one day ripped into his elbow, there was blood pissing out everywhere. We all laughed and laughed for hours coz it was a dickhead thing to do. While he was at the hospital getting 27 stitches in his arm and out of it on morphine he vowed never to fight Simone again, unless he was wearing a full protective suit, which he never got around to buying or stealing.
Simone felt pretty bad after that and was extra nice to Gavo, licking his face and shit. They kinda bonded even more after that. I hope these pups have that same loyal but murderous personality but stay away from toddlers, coz the ones that have chewed up toddlers, like Simone's sister Jezebel, had to be put down.
When Jezebel picked little Tayla off the trampoline and dragged her down to the backyard and starting eating into her thigh like a chicken drumstick, Jezebel had to be chased and held down by three people, who all had to have stitches afterwards. In the end the council put her down. It was really sad. Tayla was alright though, and she does real good in that wheelchair. Her mum gets extra money in her cennelink payment so it worked out alright for everyone except maybe Tayla, if she ever wanted to be an ice skater or an Olympian sprinter or anything requiring the use of her right leg.
But nah, the pups are doin real good - in 8 weeks they'll be ready to go. Well done Simone.

Now to the kinda sad news. Dwayne and Debbie's wedding's off.
I didn't tell yaz about Dwayne and Debbie. Dwayne is Gavo's nephew and Debbie is, or was, his fiance. She's a pretty fancy little up-herself moll. Got herself a real job as a check-out chick at Aldi, all hoity-toity-like, sitting down at the check-out, not standing up, like all the other check-out chicks at Coles and Woolies. Anyway, when Debbie got pregnant, they were real happy. Dwayne was even talking about moving out of their one bedroom flat in Mt Druitt and into a two bedroom flat in Mt Druitt. So then yesterday Debbie goes into labour and gets the bus to Blacktown hospital coz Dwayne was too drunk to drive, and lo and behold she has the baby 4 hours later and it comes out Indian. Turns out someone came to their flat 9 months ago to offer what he said was unbelievable good rates madam on a new Optus internet and phone bundle. The guy was real tired and thirsty so she let him in and gave him a drink of water, and its now apparent she might have given him more than just water. So Debbie's still in hospital but she's been on the phone to Optus all day today, trying to find the name of the guy that tried to sell her the deal. The deal wasn't that good, $99 a month for dial-up and that didn't include unlimited national calls, so she said no in the end. But because she said no, she didn't sign any papers, and the guy didn't either, and they're having trouble tracking down who the guy was. Dwayne's really upset, threatened to bash Debbie's head in, the weddings cancelled and he's made her give back the engagement ring. He was so fuckin mad about everything, he took the ring back already and got his $129 refund from Prouds. Poor Dwayne.

The only other thing I had to tell yaz was about break & enter day today but I'll tell yaz about that tomorrow coz I've gotta look through everything again first.

Anyway, I gotta go, the ShamWow ad is on again and sometimes if I suck on a cream bulb while I watch it, it's even funnier and makes me see a deeper hidden meaning.

Had the best night!

We went to a thing called Bogan Trivia night at the pub tonight. We walked in the front door and a guy said, welcome - awesome costume guys!
I didn't know what he was talking about coz I was wearing my usual stuff, which today was grey trackie dacks and a XXXX singlet. Gavo was wearing footy shorts, a blue singlet and his favourite yellow thongs. I didn't know it was meant to have been a costume party! But then I looked around and realised no-one else was wearing a costume either, so then I felt really bad, coz I realised the guy at the front door must have been blind, and the poor cunt must have been told to say that to everyone who comes in the front door.

Its nice that people with disabilities can get jobs these days, coz cousin Darryl told me they used to be thrown off cliffs and shit in the olden days. But now he reckons he sees downers and mongers serving him at KFC, and mopping the floor and shit. I said to him, Darryl, if full mongs can get a job at KFC mopping floors and drooling into the deep fryer, why can't you? He goes to me, Kyyles, if a fat acne-scarred bitch with severe thrush like your sister can get a job as a hooker in Mt Druitt, why can't you? Good point Darryl I said, but I punched him in the balls anyway coz Raylene can't help her thyroid condition and overactive sebaceous glands and over-growth of candida. It's not her fucking fault! And she does pretty good for herself thank you very much. She might be slightly plump; she might have to dab her face with blotting papers every few hours; and sure she takes Diflucan Duo once a day, but let me tell ya, that girl's been to Melbourne, twice and to Adelaide once AND she's been thinking of a trip to Brisbane - yeah, Brisbane. So cousin Darryl can shove it up his ass quite frankly coz we're real proud of Raylene. Don't mean to get all sappy on yooz but I'm a bit protective of Raylene, she's had it tough.

Anyway, so the blind bouncer let us in and we got put with a table of about 8 other people and they were real friendly. Gavo and I didn't seem to get any of the answers right, so our team didn't win anything except some minties. But then at the end, the blind guy, who walked surprisingly confidently and didn't bump into shit, said that the meat tray, which had beef, lamb, sausages and all sorts of rissoles, was going to the bogans with the best costume. Somehow, everyone started pointing at us and clapping and cheering and shit, and guess what: we won the fucking meat tray!!!! Not shitting you!!! Then I realised that this whole trivia night thing must be run by full mongs and the vision impaired.

I still can't believe it though - the meat tray almost makes up for the tragic loss of the eski earlier in the week. Fuck life is funny like that.

PS, got home and Simone still hasn't had the pups. What the fucks up with that?

Gavo loves it!!!

I shouldn't tell yaz this but we had the best root today coz Gavo saw my new tit tat (yeah, I went with the southern cross after all!!) and he said it was beautiful, and it got him kinda horny to look at it. Sick fuck he is but I love him ey. It still hurts but - it burns and its weeping. But now we match, coz Gavo also has a southern cross tattoo, his is just on the back of his right leg, next to the tiger tat.

Not sure if I told yaz but we have southern cross stickers on the back of the ute, and another sticker that says "If you don't love Australia, FUCK OFF AND GO BACK TO WHERE YOU CAME FROM". Jaydden found that sticker at a meeting he went to a few months ago. I think it was some sort of fundraiser for cancer or something coz there were a lot of people with shaved heads there. I didn't go and not sure what that was about but I guess they were raising money for sick kids. Jaydden got a few stickers from there and there's so many other funny ones. Those guys really love their country though so I thought they seemed like nice people for Jaydden to get to know.
Anyway, we also have the aussie flag in our bedroom, its actually the curtains. We also have it as the bedspread. I think its real stylish. Everyone that comes over stares at it and they always say, shit Kyyles, where did you get that bedspread? I tell em I got it from the tobacconist next to Franklins but they never believe me. They go, shit Kyyles, it looks way too good to be from that shop. Coz it does.

Anyway, thats all I gotta tell yaz. Oh and I almost forgot, Simone hasn't had the pups yet. We thought she would the other day but she didn't. Maybe tonight. Kids are real excited though. You know, miracle of life & shit.

Gettin new tit tat.

I’m getting another tat on my tit, next to the black rose, but I’m confused. Do I embellish the rose on my left tit, like add some more vines and thorns and shit, or do I get a whole new separate tat on my right tit? And if I go for the new theme, do I stick with flowers, or do I get a sword, or a cartoon character, or one of the kids’ names? But if I get the kids’ names done there, do I get ALL the kids names or just one of them, and how do I choose just one without causing a massive biffo? And even though my tits have sagged somewhat so there’s room on there now, if I have a few more kids, I’ll end up with a lot of names on the one tit. So I’m thinking I might stick to the flowers after all. Or a Chinese symbol meaning something special like peace and harmony, or beer and ciggies.
Hang on…..just wait a fucking minute. Nah, I got it!! I’m getting the southern cross tattooed on there!! Why the fuck didn’t I think of this earlier??

Seeyaz….if anyone’s looking for me today I’ll be at Warpaint Tattoo & Body Peircing in St Marys. But if yooz see Gavo around today, don’t tell him ey – I want it to be a surprise.

Yooz'd be dicks to fly Tiger

I was watching the show Airways tonight while Maddhyson painted my toenails, which she loves to do coz the fumes make her high. All these dickheads were late for their plane and the stuck up airport bitches wouldn't let em on. One of the stuck up airline bitches had an orange face too. Dunno whether she used the wrong foundation or she was an oompa loompa but I found it really distracting.
The point is, Tiger is fully shit. I already knew this but maybe you don't watch the show and don't know how crap they are, so I'll tell ya. I have first hand experience: Cousin Darryl was supposed to be catching a plane from Sydney to Brisbane a few weeks ago coz he was picking up a mail order bride from the Ukraine. His mum had sacrificed an entire packet of Winnie Reds to buy him that flight. And he'd been saving up his Cennelink money for 2 years for this mail order bride, Olga. Through some mistake, Olga had booked a flight to Brisbane, not Sydney. As you can imagine, cousin Darryl was real excited coz he was finally gonna get to root someone he wasn't related to, as well as getting someone to scrub the skidmarks out of his undies and heat up his meat pies. He was real excited. He got to the check in counter, and they said, nah, that flight is delayed, and ain't leaving til 7pm. This was 11am though right and Olga's plane from the Ukraine was due to get in to Brisbane at 2pm. Cousin Darryl chucked the biggest shit you're ever likely to see on tv. It should be on in a few weeks, especially coz Darryl pulled a knife on the girl at the counter and threatened to stab her in the neck. This is something I reckon everyone could relate to after watching the show, its not Darryl's fault. The AFP came and had to calm Darryl down with capsicum spray, which I've found is sometimes the only way to calm him down when he gets like that. They put him in handcuffs and dragged him away and now he has to go to court next week about it. I don't wanna brag or nothing but we're pretty proud that someone from our family got on tv.

So Darryl never ended up getting to Brisbane, but Olga did.
The next day he got a call from the pigs in Brisbane saying Olga put an AVO out on him for domestic violence. Darryl was so fucking upset coz he hadn't even got around to hitting her yet, or meet her in person.
I told Darryl he should sue Tiger. Coz they're not just crap service and oompa loompa staff. They ruin relationships. They tear lives apart.

Yooz'll be proud

The check with DOCS went real well. That Bethany bitch came round and checked the kids out, checked their heads for lice and shit, she found a few but not enough to chuck a shit over. She went and looked at the kids' bedroom. She goes, so....still got 5 kids sharing the one bedroom? I said, course we still got 5 kids sharing the one fucking bedroom. Did you see a fucking extension on the house when you walked in? Does it look like the house grew another fucking storey in the last few months? No. It fucking didn't and most likely it won't. These city bitches are thick as shit, and I didn't mind telling her that. She didn't say nothin back, just smiled, which is what they usually do coz they know there's about 1.2 metres between their face and my fist.
So she went and looked in the room. Like I said yesterday, I'd vaccummed and cleaned a bit. The mattresses on the floor even had the blankets all folded, all neat like. Maddhyson had put the bong under her desk like a good girl, like I taught her to do for DOCS visits, and she even had some homework out on the table in the corner, so she can't say nothing about that. Bethany looked around at everything and asked Maddhyson if her mummy or daddy had smacked her or anything lately. She looked at me and I gave her my look, which I call the "whipper snipper look". She knows she's gonna get some bruising when I give her that look. So she said, nah, mum and dad are good and don't bash me at all, they love me.
Bethany looked through some forms and ticked some boxes and then she left. The funniest thing is I'd said to Jaydden to look through her bag while we were chatting and he found $20, panadol, strawberry blistex, some hubbabubba and a tampon. He took it all coz you never know when that stuff might come in handy. Jayson had also taken the numberplates off her car and scratched a picture of a dick and balls on the passenger side of the car with his flick knife. I always did reckon Jayson was good at art. He really is though, the dick was so life like.
The good thing is, a few hours later Bathany called from her office and said she wouldn't need to visit for another 6 months. That's good news ey coz vacuuming is my least favourite thing to do and now I know I won't be doing it again til September. Funny, she never mentioned her car.

I wanna write more tonight but I can't. Simone, our pit bull bitch is about to have another litter so I better start drawing up the "pups for sale" sign to stick up on the window of the fish and chip shop.

Real upset tonight - don't ring us

I'm really kinda upset right now. The whole family is kinda in shock, a kinda daze - a depressed and hopeless fog if you like. No one knows what to say to each other, we are all too upset. I've cried, the kids have cried, Gavo's cried. Basically what's happened is we've lost our eski. We had it in the back of the ute and went to the fish and chip shop for a family bag of chips coz for $10 they give you a massive bag with chicken salt which is enough for all of us for dinner. For an extra $5 they usually give you 7 potato cakes. Really, they should only give you 6, the sign on the wall says "6 potato cakes: $5" but the chinese woman behind the counter always gives us 7, so we don't roll her when we see her at the station coz that's real nice of her. Anyway, we usually get the potato cakes but we didn't tonight. The point is, we're in the fish and chip shop, sitting on the white plastic chairs, the kids slapping each other on the head, the older ones whipping each others' legs with jelly snakes stolen from the lolly jar, burning each other on the face with their lighters, when Gavo says, I might go have a ciggie. So he goes outside, finds a half smoked one on the ground and finishes it off and he looks at the ute and realises the fucking back is down. Yeah, I kid you not, the fucking back of the ute is down and the fucking eski is gone. The fuckdest thing is, as we rounded a corner in Mulgoa Rd, I heard a bang right and I'd fucking said to him, Gavo, pull over cunt, I heard a bang, you might've run over something. He goes to me, fuck it, if I run over it its probably dead. I said nah, it sounds like something big. He goes, well fuck it, cunts shouldn't be leaving shit on the road, serves em fucking right. I said righto then, go on. So when he saw the back of the ute down he fuckin lost it. He comes running in, going the eski is gone, the eski is gone. I knew right then the eski must have fallen out in the middle of fucking Mulgoa road and coz he's such a dickhead he didn't go back for it. So we get our chips but by that time the kids are crying coz they realise we had two cartons of VB in there and they have a real hard time getting to sleep without their VB. So the kids are crying, Gavo's chucking a shit, there's chaos. We drive back to Mulgoa road but the fucking eski is gone. Just gone. Not a fucking trace. Gavo was so pissed off he did a burnout at every set of lights all the way home. I said to him, why are you givin the kids a treat when you're pissed off? You never give ME shit when you're pissed off.
Anyway, the whole way home I'm looking at the side of the road, just fuckin praying for the eski to turn up, but it doesn't. It just doesn't.
This was an hour ago now and we are still sitting here in a stunned silence. I mean, not real silence coz the telly's on and we're watching Today Tonight coz they're roadtesting chicken nuggets but none of us are talking. Don't know if we ever will again. I mean, how can you be ok after something like this. Whoever said tragedy brings people together - they obviously never lost their eski.

Oh wow, me cousin's famous!

Oh wow! Looks like cousin Jayson got busted today. Got in the news and everything ey! Practically famous!

http://www.smh.com.au/nsw/child-left-in-locked-car-while-father-goes-on-shoplifting-spree-police-20100312-q1yr.html

Kids ey. Don't have em.

Yooz won’t believe this. I picked up Jaydden from Franklins last night but it was a couple of hours after he called. I was gonna get him earlier but I’d skulled some bourbon and my eyes were too foggy to drive. Don’t get me wrong, I got nothing against drunk driving, in fact, in our family it’s a highly prized skill. But this time I’d gone a bit too far and tried to get in the car and found myself getting into the neighbour’s car again. She usually doesn’t say nothing when I do that, but because I’d forgotten to put undies on again and was really only wearing a fluoro crop-top, she came out with her walking stick and asked that I not take her car this time after all the scratches and the one missing window it got last time I took it. I told her to calm the fuck down and get back inside before I shoved her walking stick up her ass. She did shuffle back in with her arthritis ridden knees but by that time I’d decided I wouldn’t take her car anyway, coz I remembered I couldn’t drive manual too good while blind drunk. In fact I can’t drive manual at all, even when not drunk, that’s why the window got smashed when I reversed into that stupidly placed pole at the court house that time.
Anyway, I went back inside and put my Panthers shorts on and was out the door to get Jaydden but Judge Judy came on. Obviously, I couldn’t go without watching the show coz it was about a lady who’d stolen money from her room-mate through some insurance scam. I like to watch Judge Judy coz its good to see what you can get away with and what you can’t. I wanna go on that show and get famous I reckon but Gavo says that shows from America and it looks real expensive to get there, you might have to take two planes and that’s a lot of Friday break & enters to pay for a ticket like that.
Anyway, after Judge Judy there was a ten minute ad for the ShamWow. I watched that coz it looks real good even though I’ve seen the ad before. Apparently its real absorbent and can mop up all sorts of shit, blood, piss, vomit, whatever. I gotta get me one of those but I saw one at the plaza that was called ShammyWow which looks the same but was only $10, or free if stolen while the man does the demo, so I might get that one.
After the ShamWow ad I remembered I’d left the fish fingers in the oven and they were burnt and looked more like charcoal fingers but I made the kids eat them coz it was either that or Coco Pops for dinner and they’d had that for lunch already. So once that was sorted, I finally got in the car and went and got Jaydden. The little shit was lying down at the front door of Franklins coz it closed hours ago. He was either asleep or had fainted, whatever, but when I shook him awake, I couldn’t see bone or nothing sticking out of his wrist. I reckon it was just a sprain and that little shit is getting a beating for making me come get him so late at night when he could have fucking walked home. It wasn't an ankle sprain. Why the fuck do you need your wrists for walking. Fucking dumb ass that boy is, just like his father. To this very day I don’t know for sure who that is exactly but there’s 30% chance it was Shayne.
So the point is, I rubbed some Savlon into his swollen bruised and slightly bent wrist which definitely did not have any exposed bone sticking out and put him to bed. I’m still pissed off we’re missing break & enter day today but I suppose I’ll have 5 dexies and do a bit of vacuuming coz I haven’t done that for a few months and DOCS are coming over tomorrow.

Ahhh shiiiiiit.

Just got a phone call from Jaydden. He's broken his wrist while bashing a kid for a fruit roll-up outside Franklins. This means he can't do the break & enter we had planned for Friday morning. I'm pissed off. Friday morning break & enters are a bit of a tradition in our family. Shayne, Maddhyson's dad started the tradition after he got out of jail for that rape he didn't do.
Shayne was a bit unemployed after that last rape, especially after he tried to get the job at the primary school and his parole officer heard about it. Point is, he was out of jail and unemployed, so he had time on his hands. Haha, time.
So he goes to me, lets do something bonding for the family. I thought he meant something we usually do for fun, like throwing bricks onto cars on the M4 or starting a bushfire. But nah, Shayne had other ideas. He goes, how about, Friday morning we pack up the kids, put em in the ute and do some break & enters. I nearly cried, coz he doesn't usually think of the whole family like that. It's become our thing now and we all look forward to it all week. I've got so many nice things from our Friday break & enters. Pearl necklaces, bath tiles, nailpolish in colours I like, a scratchie that won $10, a highlighter that still worked, a whipper snipper which I use on the kids' legs when they piss me off, a china teddy bear ballerina, snow domes, a Homer Simpson bong, lamb chops, heaps of good shit. Anyway, after Shayne went back to jail for that other rape he didn't do and I hooked up with Gavo, he thought it was a real nice tradition, so we kept it going.

I guess with Jaydden's wrist broken though, we can't go this week. He usually helps Gavin carry out some of the heavy items.

Fuck, Jaydden's just called again, the little shit wants to be picked up from Franklins. I tell ya, I'm not taking him to Nepean. Fuck that. You gotta wait hours there and they don't let you change the channels on the tv. Not without a fight anyway. I might just put the bone back into place myself and then duct-tape it. I did a first aid course back in 98, how much could things have changed?

Ahh fuck me, he's just called back again, screaming to be picked up. It hurts, it hurts, I can see bone, waaahh waaah. Little shit. Might get the whipper snipper out before I go get him.

Yo yo yo.

Hey yoooz.

I've had like fully the best day today. I went to Best & Less and got myself the hottest flanno ever. Its blue and white, goes with my eyes.

Gavo and I had a fight last night. I got my Cennelink payment on Thursday right, and Shazza, our seventh and second oldest, went to a Bluelight disco and rooted some guy in the toilet. Mighta bean the cleaner, she doesn't remember, she was blind drunk on goon. The point is, I had to buy her the morning after pill again, which cost fucking $50. Thats almost 3 packs of Winnie Blues. I tell ya, I was not fucking happy.

Gavo says to me, what happened to the money I was gonna put in the pokies. I said, I fucking spent the money on Shazza's morning after pill. He goes to me, nah, don't be fucking spending our pokies money on that shit, she should just get preggers and have the baby, she's 14 and old enough, and we'll get the baby bonus. We could spend that money on a new flat screen tv, coz Jaydden and cousin Darryl hocked the one they stole from their ice dealer back in June. And this time we could get a 102 inch screen, not the shitty 64 inch one.

Anyway, I said to Gavo, fuck that, Shazza's not gonna get preggers til she's at least 16. Only three of my sisters and me and my mum and my gran and twelve cousins had their first kids before 16! Not gonna happen in our family.
He tried to give me another black eye after that but he was so fucked up on Jim Beam and glue that he only hit another hole in the wall. Dumb cunt. Anyway, he and Jaydden are gonna go break into some cars again tomorrow at the station so that should give him another $50 in change. So he can still go to the Rooty Hill RSL this weekend and stop his fucking crying about it.

I gotta go - I've got a jumbo pack of nuggets in the fryer, and some curly fries - everyone's favourite dinner.