EVERYBODY MAKE SOME NOISE!!!!!!!!!!

Could youz just shut the fuck up, allyaz who’ve been nagging me about writing. Especially that bitch of a cousin of mine, Em, whose thrush is really bad and who keeps using my thrush cream even though she knows I’ve run out of it from the last really bad bout of it I had. I know you’re reading this cousin Em so listen up – stop using my thrush cream, it doesn’t go unnoticed, I just never wanted to say anything about it before but this time I’ve had enough. You got that? Good. Coz it’s fucking $8 a tube and that’s $8 I’d rather be spending on goon or potato scallops. And yes, next time I see you I’ll pretend I was talking about some other cousin Em who doesn’t have thrush as severely as you - but you and I will both know I really am talking about you.

So I’ve been off the radar a while, yeah, but it’s not coz I’ve gotten hooked back on the speed. Ok, so it is coz I have gotten slightly hooked back on the speed but that’s not a good excuse for not writing, in fact, I should be writing more, and typing faster. On that note, you should know that I’m actually typing at 300 words a minute and I don’t know if you know that that’s fast but let me tell ya it’s fucking fast. If you were standing behind me right now and if you were I would shit myself and wonder how you got in the house, but say you somehow had gotten in without me noticing and Simone didn’t rip your balls off and you were standing behind me right now like some fucking stalker possibly holding a weapon of some kind, you would look at my two fingers on the keyboard and go FUCK she’s typing so fast, I’ve never seen anyone type that fast and you’d be right, you wouldn’t have ever seen anyone type that fast coz that’s how fucking fast I’m typing right now. It’s not just the speed though I mean it pretty much is but not only that, it’s just this amazing gift I have. I actually wrote this quicker than you’re reading it right now. You know how long it took you to read that last sentence, the one that said “I actually wrote this quicker than you’re reading this right now”? Well, as fast as you read that is as fast as I wrote this whole thing, I’m not fucking shitting you. I am on fucking fire tonight, WHOOOO I fucking love the world. I fucking love things like crystals and guinea pigs and sparklers, like the ones on birthday cakes and I actually also love birthday cakes and Holdens, I’ve never told anyone this but I love Holdens I really really love Holdens they are my fucking number one favourite car but I keep this secret, Gavo can’t fucking know that and don’t fucking bring this up when you come over if you ever come over coz I’ll fucking deny it. I also fucking love mountains coz they’re tall, not all of the bits of the mountain but the parts closer to the top of it are tall coz they’re really high up and I like that coz when you’re on one you can look down and see shit in the distance even if your ears get blocked or it gets cold up there. I also love elephants just coz they have trunks and shit and they can pick things up with their trunks, like bananas and carrots and bamboo but I don’t think they like eating bamboo although pandas do and I fucking love pandas, I seriously fucking love pandas, when I see a panda, whether one at the zoo or on a calendar, I fucking laugh coz they’re so fluffy and I think, fuck, imagine being a panda and lying around all day eating fucking bamboo and shit and having people laugh at you and wanna hug you coz you’re so fucking fluffy and I wonder if their fur really is soft and fluffy or if its actually kinda coarse when you touch it, sometimes things can be deceiving like that. FUCK I’m high right now!!! The funniest thing today was that I put a tiny bit of speed in Maddhyson’s milk coz I asked her to clean her room but she wouldn’t and I knew she needed some motivation so I put in a teaspoon and at first she was fidgety and cranky as shit but then she cleaned her room up so fucking good you wouldn’t believe it, she vacuumed and dusted and polished her ballerina figurines and then she insisted on doing a load of laundry and washed her sheets and Dora quilt cover set and when she finished with that she asked if she could mow the lawn coz she was feeling so awake and I said fuck Maddhyson, you sure you wanna mow the lawn, you’re only five, and she goes fuck yeah, let me mow it right now, I said, righto and I got her the mower but then I realized our backyard was just dirt, not much grass there at all, so she goes, fuck the mower mum, I’ll rake shit up, I need to rake shit up, so I got her the rake and she’s been raking the leaves and garden debris from one side of the garden to the other and it looks almost like a Japanese ornamental garden now, I don’t even know if I’ll still need Domestic Blitz coz the garden looks so fucking clean. FUCK I just had another line and everything feels great and Maddhyson just came in and asked for some of that “special milk” so I gave her some and now she’s back to raking, I’m not sure how much more raking the garden can take but now when I look out the window I realize she is re-arranging the hydro equipment in the shed, I’m not sure if that’s a good idea but fuck it she’s probably gonna do a good job coz she seems to really be concentrating on it. Hang on, she’s asking for a Chupa Chup.
Ok I just gave her a Chupa Chup, she says that’s all she wants for dinner. She’s a good girl.

So how long did it take for you to read up to that point? Two minutes? One minute? Well I swear on my life I fucking typed this out in thirty seconds with only two fingers, so fuck you all, fuck all of you coz I’m the fucking best there is, there is nothing and no-one better than me, not the Dalai Lama, not Michael Jackson, not Eckhart Tolle, not God, coz I RULE THE FUCKING WORLD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!