Drugs are a "sometimes" food.

If youz are reading this thinking drugs are cool coz of what I wrote the other day, I’ll tell yaz something: drugs are not cool at all. It was fun at the time, sure, but my come-down was so shit this time that I almost chewed the inside of my face off. Maddhyson’s was pretty shit too. I suppose you never know how speed affects a five year old but now I know: not so well. Like I said, she cleaned her room up real good and raked the garden up and even cleaned the shed and hydro equipment. She re-organised the bottles of chemicals in the ice lab alphabetically, which is pretty helpful coz it was kinda messy in there. Then she cleaned out the ute, polished our plastic cutlery with Windex and then picked up all the dead cockroaches from under our beds and made a necklace out of them by threading them onto a piece of string. She seemed pretty creative and enthusiastic about everything the whole day but then next few days she had big time burn out. She didn’t wanna eat her nuggets and potato scallops, didn’t wanna eat her jelly snakes, all she wanted to eat was grape Hubba Bubba which she chewed frantically until her jaws ached. She didn’t even wanna wear her cockroach necklace coz she said their legs were too scratchy on her neck.

I learnt several good lessons from this. Firstly, keep an eye on the amount of speed, or any other gear for that matter, that you give small children. Just coz they nag ya for more at the time does not mean that you give in to their demands like some kind of dumbass pushover of a parent. I see that at Franklins all the time, fat little fuckers at the checkouts with snot dripping down their faces, nagging their mum for a Snickers or a Cherry Ripe or a packet of Winnie Menthols and the mums just giving in without a fight or a slap in the face. Fuck that! How are the kids gonna learn that if they want that shit they need to work for it. Steal some car radios or CD’s or coins out of cars, sell some pot at their primary school or at least get a paper round or something. Kids just have no idea of the value of money these days and still haven’t grasped the reality that Cennelink only pays you once every fortnight.

The second thing I learnt is that except the times when your house is really messy and you want a good spring clean, its better to give kids downers rather than uppers. I know when I give Maddhyson a couple of valiums, she’s much quieter, less hyperactive and is much happier about being left home alone when I need to do important stuff, like get my acrylic nails re-done. Usually when I get home she’s in the same spot where I left her, on the couch, playing with the corner of the cushion until her fingers are calloused, sometimes drooling a bit out of the corner of her mouth but usually just relaxing and watching whatever is on the telly, coz she doesn’t have enough energy to change the channel.

And thirdly I learnt that although you try to be the best parent you can be, some fuckers like Bethany from DOCS are still gonna get up your ass about something or other. Bethany, if you’re reading this, Maddhyson’s fine, the rest of the kids are fine, us taking drugs together is a rare thing, and we consider it kinda bonding for the family. So don’t get on your high horse about drugs you fucking hypocrite. I know you’d give your kids cough medicine when they needed it even though everyone knows cough medicine is made from heroin. And I know you’d give your kids coke when they’re thirsty, even though everyone knows coke’s made from cocaine. So just stop telling me how to raise my kids and just SHUT THE FUCK UP WILL YA!!

EVERYBODY MAKE SOME NOISE!!!!!!!!!!

Could youz just shut the fuck up, allyaz who’ve been nagging me about writing. Especially that bitch of a cousin of mine, Em, whose thrush is really bad and who keeps using my thrush cream even though she knows I’ve run out of it from the last really bad bout of it I had. I know you’re reading this cousin Em so listen up – stop using my thrush cream, it doesn’t go unnoticed, I just never wanted to say anything about it before but this time I’ve had enough. You got that? Good. Coz it’s fucking $8 a tube and that’s $8 I’d rather be spending on goon or potato scallops. And yes, next time I see you I’ll pretend I was talking about some other cousin Em who doesn’t have thrush as severely as you - but you and I will both know I really am talking about you.

So I’ve been off the radar a while, yeah, but it’s not coz I’ve gotten hooked back on the speed. Ok, so it is coz I have gotten slightly hooked back on the speed but that’s not a good excuse for not writing, in fact, I should be writing more, and typing faster. On that note, you should know that I’m actually typing at 300 words a minute and I don’t know if you know that that’s fast but let me tell ya it’s fucking fast. If you were standing behind me right now and if you were I would shit myself and wonder how you got in the house, but say you somehow had gotten in without me noticing and Simone didn’t rip your balls off and you were standing behind me right now like some fucking stalker possibly holding a weapon of some kind, you would look at my two fingers on the keyboard and go FUCK she’s typing so fast, I’ve never seen anyone type that fast and you’d be right, you wouldn’t have ever seen anyone type that fast coz that’s how fucking fast I’m typing right now. It’s not just the speed though I mean it pretty much is but not only that, it’s just this amazing gift I have. I actually wrote this quicker than you’re reading it right now. You know how long it took you to read that last sentence, the one that said “I actually wrote this quicker than you’re reading this right now”? Well, as fast as you read that is as fast as I wrote this whole thing, I’m not fucking shitting you. I am on fucking fire tonight, WHOOOO I fucking love the world. I fucking love things like crystals and guinea pigs and sparklers, like the ones on birthday cakes and I actually also love birthday cakes and Holdens, I’ve never told anyone this but I love Holdens I really really love Holdens they are my fucking number one favourite car but I keep this secret, Gavo can’t fucking know that and don’t fucking bring this up when you come over if you ever come over coz I’ll fucking deny it. I also fucking love mountains coz they’re tall, not all of the bits of the mountain but the parts closer to the top of it are tall coz they’re really high up and I like that coz when you’re on one you can look down and see shit in the distance even if your ears get blocked or it gets cold up there. I also love elephants just coz they have trunks and shit and they can pick things up with their trunks, like bananas and carrots and bamboo but I don’t think they like eating bamboo although pandas do and I fucking love pandas, I seriously fucking love pandas, when I see a panda, whether one at the zoo or on a calendar, I fucking laugh coz they’re so fluffy and I think, fuck, imagine being a panda and lying around all day eating fucking bamboo and shit and having people laugh at you and wanna hug you coz you’re so fucking fluffy and I wonder if their fur really is soft and fluffy or if its actually kinda coarse when you touch it, sometimes things can be deceiving like that. FUCK I’m high right now!!! The funniest thing today was that I put a tiny bit of speed in Maddhyson’s milk coz I asked her to clean her room but she wouldn’t and I knew she needed some motivation so I put in a teaspoon and at first she was fidgety and cranky as shit but then she cleaned her room up so fucking good you wouldn’t believe it, she vacuumed and dusted and polished her ballerina figurines and then she insisted on doing a load of laundry and washed her sheets and Dora quilt cover set and when she finished with that she asked if she could mow the lawn coz she was feeling so awake and I said fuck Maddhyson, you sure you wanna mow the lawn, you’re only five, and she goes fuck yeah, let me mow it right now, I said, righto and I got her the mower but then I realized our backyard was just dirt, not much grass there at all, so she goes, fuck the mower mum, I’ll rake shit up, I need to rake shit up, so I got her the rake and she’s been raking the leaves and garden debris from one side of the garden to the other and it looks almost like a Japanese ornamental garden now, I don’t even know if I’ll still need Domestic Blitz coz the garden looks so fucking clean. FUCK I just had another line and everything feels great and Maddhyson just came in and asked for some of that “special milk” so I gave her some and now she’s back to raking, I’m not sure how much more raking the garden can take but now when I look out the window I realize she is re-arranging the hydro equipment in the shed, I’m not sure if that’s a good idea but fuck it she’s probably gonna do a good job coz she seems to really be concentrating on it. Hang on, she’s asking for a Chupa Chup.
Ok I just gave her a Chupa Chup, she says that’s all she wants for dinner. She’s a good girl.

So how long did it take for you to read up to that point? Two minutes? One minute? Well I swear on my life I fucking typed this out in thirty seconds with only two fingers, so fuck you all, fuck all of you coz I’m the fucking best there is, there is nothing and no-one better than me, not the Dalai Lama, not Michael Jackson, not Eckhart Tolle, not God, coz I RULE THE FUCKING WORLD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!