Quit your whining bitches!

Right, fuckyaz all who’ve been writing me hate mail telling me to write the blog. Times have been fucking hard, not that youz cunts would care. Its not like I’ve been too busy to write coz my acrylic nails are too long and I’m finding it hard to type. No. Its coz our fucken house burnt down and this is the first day I’ve had access to the internet. Even this I’m writing at the net café in the Westfields in front of Bed Bath n Table.

I’ve got about half an hour so I’ll make this quick. I’ll tell yaz about the fire later. More important than us being homeless though: according to the signs that have just been put up outside the station, there’s an election on the 21st of August and Lindsay is in the news about being an important seat. I don’t know who this Lindsay is mind you - the only Lindsay I know is the Lohan one and the fat one with the moustache who came to the Christmas BBQ at cousin Darryl’s a few years ago and who passed out in the baby pool and drowned but I don’t think that’s who they’re talking about. I’ll have to figure that one out later. But more importantly, where are these seats? I can’t even find seats on the Westbus to Cambridge Park these days so why does this Lindsay get some sort of important seat? What the fuck is so important about her? I’ll pretty much just smash the bitch if I see her.

The election stuff has been interesting though. A couple of weeks ago, while the fire brigade people were finishing off their investigations into why our house got burnt down when Maddhyson poured petrol down the kitchen sink and lit it, I came down to Franklins to pick up some devon and cream cheese for cousin Darryl and I got stopped in the car park and interviewed about the election. There were nice young guys there from the army or navy, whichever runs the boat people. They were asking questions for a show they were doing, called Chasing the War of Everything. Anyway they had some kind of navy or army boat parked there and they were nice enough to tell us about what they were doing to keep the boats out of Australia. They asked what I thought about boat people and I told them about the paddle steamer that runs up and down the Nepean. That could have picked up all sorts of illegal immigrants. My theory is that most boat people are trying to get to Blacktown. When they got off their boats at Darwin or Nairu or Easter Island, they looked at the map of Australia and saw Blacktown, and they thought, right, that’s where we’ve gotta go. So they all got back in their boats and came down the Nepean in that sneaky fuckin paddle steamer and cruised into Blacktown and they’ve been hiding out there ever since. That’s where this election campaign needs to be focused on I reckon. At the station at Blacktown or the Centro at Seven Hills. I told the navy people all about it and it got put on telly. When they asked whether I wanted the boat people let in, I said to them, ‘no way - not in my backyard’. I don’t have a backyard at the moment obviously, or a front yard, or a house, or even a spare pair of undies, on account of it all having being burnt down, but you know what I mean. People on Today Tonight say that all the time and I know you have to be pretty switched on to get on that show.

I’m not racist or nothing but I don’t want those immigrants taking our jobs. Not that anyone in my family has a job but if they did, I wouldn’t want them losing it one day to those boat people. You never know, Maddhyson could one day reach for the stars and aspire to work at a car wash café but how would she even get a foot in the door when those boat people are already all working there?

Those army/navy guys and that very gay man from the election ads, Tony Abbott, are spot on. The boats need to be stopped, ASAP. Yes, its true that my ancestors came here on a ship, but ships are bigger than boats and have more life jackets.