I’ve been thinking of something for a while now, tell me if yaz think its fucked up. So like I told yaz, I want a backyard makeover. At the moment we have no grass in the backyard, its just dried up dirt and shit. Simone and the pups like running around out there and digging holes and mudpits and we let them do it. Anyway, apart from the Hills Hoist and Gavo’s rusted out Datsun 120Y, a few rubber tyres, tarpaulins, the shed full of mull plants and boxes of Sudafed, there’s nothing else in the backyard except dirt. So I said to Gavo, you know, I’ve been thinking about making up a sob story for Backyard Blitz so they’ll come do our garden for us - but I think I should really call them. Gavo goes, fuck Kyyles, calm down. Who doesn’t want a backyard makeover? But Backyard Blitz aren’t gonna come out to fuckin Penno for a makeover! And we don’t have any kids with a fuckin rare diseases or cancer or fucking mong syndrome or anything, so why would they bother coming here?
Sometimes Gavo lacks imagination and I’ve told him this before but he doesn’t fucking listen. So I said Gavo, do you reckon when one of those families ring up Backyard Blitz and they say their kids have some fucking disease, that they ring the hospital and check? I don’t reckon they would. Why can’t I make up some shit about Maddhyson having some fucking disease? So this afternoon I’ve been on google researching rare diseases. After much thought and consideration I’ve decided Maddhyson has Fibrodysplasia Ossificans Progressiva. Some of the choices were: Noonan Syndrome, Narcolepsy, Paraneoplastic Pemphigus, Hutchinson-Gilford Progeria, Smallpox or Polio. But for various reasons, the main one being that Fibrodysplasia Ossificans Progressiva is the longest sounding one, that’s the disease I decided on. Also this one doesn’t require Maddhyson to be disfigured or pockmarked or drooling constantly or falling asleep while drinking a thickshake from Maccas, so I guess it’s the most convenient disease for her to have.
Maddhyson and I had a good talk tonight and I asked her how much she wanted a trampoline. She goes, fuck mum, I’d love a trampoline! I said, good. I’d like one too, and a spa, and some decking and a new BBQ. So I told her, Maddhyson, this is what I need you to do. Mummy’s gonna ring some people from TV and get them to come over. You need to do a special favour for mummy though. You need to act like a bit of a hunchback for mummy and look like you’re in a bit of pain. I told her, remember when daddy backed over your leg with the ute? Maddhyson goes…. no. I said, good. Do you remember when mummy stapled your hand to the carpet with the industrial stapler? She goes, yeah. I said, shit. Well do you remember how you cried and cried, and then after a while you just sat there, quietly whimpering? She goes, yeah. I said, well that’s what I’ll need from you when the TV people come over. Can you do that? She goes…..will they give me a trampoline? I said, I think they might! You just need to say something like, I’ve always wanted a trampoline, even though I always knew that with my rare disease, jumping on one would always be too painful. Can you do that? Maddhyson nodded. Good girl, I said.
Then I made the call to Channel 9. They told me Backyard Blitz isn’t on anymore, but Domestic Blitz is. I asked the girl on the phone, does Domestic Blitz makeover gardens as well? She goes, yeah, they do a full house and garden makeover. I said, righto, I want one of those coz my daughters got…… Fibrodysplasia Ossificans Progressiva. She says, well, the way this works is that someone in the community has to nominate your family…I said hold on a fucken moment - what? Why? She goes, well, someone in the community would complete a questionnaire, answering such questions as From your experience and knowledge, has this person had any traumatic experiences? If yes, please describe. Also, you would have to own your own home….. I said fuckin what? You only do makeovers for rich-ass cunts who already own a house? Fuck that! What kind of racist sexist bullshit is that? We live in housing commission house like all the rest of the family, are you fuckin telling me we can’t be on the show? The bitch goes, I’m afraid one of the conditions of nomination is owning your own home, although that could also include having a mortgage.
Yeah. A fuckin mortgage. I ended up hanging up on the bitch. But I’m not giving up on this fuckin idea. Come hell or high water, those cunts are doing over our house, I don’t care what it takes. Maybe I’ll look for a rarer disease, or maybe Maddhyson will have to be involved in some accident where she gets burns to 90% of her body, I don’t fuckin know yet. Watch this space.
Wednesday, April 14, 2010
Wednesday, April 7, 2010
The Easter Show!
Took the kids to the easter show today. Let me tell yaz a few things about the easter show: one, its really fucking hard to steal show bags coz they’re behind a barrier. Two: stealing shit out of people’s bags and prams is highly profitable and Three: don’t eat 3 dagwood dogs and get on the Gravitron.
I’ve told yaz before how much I fucking hate spuing right? So we all sit down for a nice meal of dagwood dogs, everyone’s favourite. We’re eating, eating, eating away and Maddhyson gets the bright idea, I might get on the Gravitron mum. I said, nah, no fuckin way you’re getting on the Gravitron, not until you’ve had a coke to calm your stomach. She goes, nah, I’ll be right. I said fine, on you get then. I gave her some coupons we’d found in someone’s handbag and off she went. Now I don’t know if I told yaz the last incident we had with Maddhyson at the easter show. I probably haven’t so I’ll quickly tell yaz. Last easter show Maddhyson insisted she wanted to go on the Sky Flyer after eating 2 dagwood dogs, a bucket of chips and a pink fairyfloss. I was like, I don’t know about that Maddhyson, you’re only four. She goes fuck ya mum, don’t tell me what I can and can’t do. So I said rightio, on ya get. I gave her some coupons I’d found in someone’s handbag and on she got. Well, everything was fine at first of course but after about the 100th spin, she started to look a bit funny. Then she started spuing her guts up - but they were spinning around so fast, about twenty people got coated in her pink spue. She got off the ride all crying and with pink and yellow hair. I was so mad I refused to look at her or hold her hand the rest of the day, so she pretty much spent the day trailing behind me and the other kids and having to watch us go on every ride without her. After spending the day covered in sticky goo and missing out on most of the rides, I would have thought she’d learnt her lesson. But no.
So of course she gets on the Gravitron this morning. Luckily we can’t see inside it while its going so we waited about 6 minutes before the ride was over. She comes stumbling out, crying. But then behind her comes out another 15 kids, also crying. They’re all pointing towards Maddhyson, who looks green, and whose hair, which is usually blonde coz we bleach it, is now an orangey brown. All the kids coming out behind her were also all orangey brown. I said, right Maddhyson, that’s it. No more fucking rides for you today, or possibly ever. Then what the fuck does she do? She starts the fucking spuing again. All over the grass. I said, right, that’s it.
I got a rubber glove out of my bag, one of the ones we usually use for stealing and shit, and I grab her hand, and I fucking march her down to the showbag pavilion and I point up and I say, Maddhyson. Which showbags do you want? She stops her spuing and looks up at me with a glimmer of hope in her little eyes, as if she was thinking, wow, maybe mum’s not gonna be so mad this time. So she points up at the back wall and starts going…um…Bertie Beetle…um… Blinkie Bill….um….Blow Up Bubble Gum…um… Chuppa Chup….um…Freddo Frog…and um… maybe the Fizz Kidz showbags? I said really? She goes, yeah mummy, really! They’re the ones I want! So I said to her, well guess what Maddhyson? Guess fucking what? Guess exactly which showbags you’re not getting? Her little spue covered eyes filled with tears and she goes, um….the Bertie Beatle? I said, yeah Maddhyson. Guess which other showbag you’re not getting? Now a little bit of snot comes out of her nose as she realizes the gravity of the situation. So she goes…the Blinkie Bill? I nod and say yes, Maddhyson, you’re not getting Bertie Beetle, you’re not getting Blinkie Bill. But guess what other showbag you’re not getting? At this point Maddhyson let out a wail, like one of those wails on Border Security when one of the Chinese ladies finds out that her dried fish is being confiscated…that primal howl is what I’m talking about. So Maddhyson howls. I go to her, no Maddhyson – keep going. What other showbag are you not getting. She yells at me through her streaming tears: the Blow Up Bubble Gum!!!! I scream back at her, yes!! Keep going!! She yells, the Chupa Chuuuuuup….I said, yepp, and what else?? Maddhyson screams, NO!!! I’m getting the Freddo Frog and the Fizz Kidz!! I then say calmly ….. no Maddhyson. You ain’t getting shit for showbags this year…no fucking showbags at all. If you’d listened to me when I told you not to go on the Gravitron on a full stomach and without a drink of coke, you would be getting all these showbags. But instead, you get none of them.
Then, I deliberately left Maddhyson alone in the showbag pavilion, howling like a stuck pig, and I went and thoroughly enjoyed the easter show with the rest of the kids. The flying pigs were a highlight but we also loved the woodchopping, as well as the fancy rat parade.
Of course we could all hear the announcements about the lost bleached-blond five year old child in the showbag pavilion all day long, but do you reckon I went and got her? No fucking way. How do kids learn shit if you don’t put your foot down right from the start? They don’t, let me tell ya – they don’t.
I’ve told yaz before how much I fucking hate spuing right? So we all sit down for a nice meal of dagwood dogs, everyone’s favourite. We’re eating, eating, eating away and Maddhyson gets the bright idea, I might get on the Gravitron mum. I said, nah, no fuckin way you’re getting on the Gravitron, not until you’ve had a coke to calm your stomach. She goes, nah, I’ll be right. I said fine, on you get then. I gave her some coupons we’d found in someone’s handbag and off she went. Now I don’t know if I told yaz the last incident we had with Maddhyson at the easter show. I probably haven’t so I’ll quickly tell yaz. Last easter show Maddhyson insisted she wanted to go on the Sky Flyer after eating 2 dagwood dogs, a bucket of chips and a pink fairyfloss. I was like, I don’t know about that Maddhyson, you’re only four. She goes fuck ya mum, don’t tell me what I can and can’t do. So I said rightio, on ya get. I gave her some coupons I’d found in someone’s handbag and on she got. Well, everything was fine at first of course but after about the 100th spin, she started to look a bit funny. Then she started spuing her guts up - but they were spinning around so fast, about twenty people got coated in her pink spue. She got off the ride all crying and with pink and yellow hair. I was so mad I refused to look at her or hold her hand the rest of the day, so she pretty much spent the day trailing behind me and the other kids and having to watch us go on every ride without her. After spending the day covered in sticky goo and missing out on most of the rides, I would have thought she’d learnt her lesson. But no.
So of course she gets on the Gravitron this morning. Luckily we can’t see inside it while its going so we waited about 6 minutes before the ride was over. She comes stumbling out, crying. But then behind her comes out another 15 kids, also crying. They’re all pointing towards Maddhyson, who looks green, and whose hair, which is usually blonde coz we bleach it, is now an orangey brown. All the kids coming out behind her were also all orangey brown. I said, right Maddhyson, that’s it. No more fucking rides for you today, or possibly ever. Then what the fuck does she do? She starts the fucking spuing again. All over the grass. I said, right, that’s it.
I got a rubber glove out of my bag, one of the ones we usually use for stealing and shit, and I grab her hand, and I fucking march her down to the showbag pavilion and I point up and I say, Maddhyson. Which showbags do you want? She stops her spuing and looks up at me with a glimmer of hope in her little eyes, as if she was thinking, wow, maybe mum’s not gonna be so mad this time. So she points up at the back wall and starts going…um…Bertie Beetle…um… Blinkie Bill….um….Blow Up Bubble Gum…um… Chuppa Chup….um…Freddo Frog…and um… maybe the Fizz Kidz showbags? I said really? She goes, yeah mummy, really! They’re the ones I want! So I said to her, well guess what Maddhyson? Guess fucking what? Guess exactly which showbags you’re not getting? Her little spue covered eyes filled with tears and she goes, um….the Bertie Beatle? I said, yeah Maddhyson. Guess which other showbag you’re not getting? Now a little bit of snot comes out of her nose as she realizes the gravity of the situation. So she goes…the Blinkie Bill? I nod and say yes, Maddhyson, you’re not getting Bertie Beetle, you’re not getting Blinkie Bill. But guess what other showbag you’re not getting? At this point Maddhyson let out a wail, like one of those wails on Border Security when one of the Chinese ladies finds out that her dried fish is being confiscated…that primal howl is what I’m talking about. So Maddhyson howls. I go to her, no Maddhyson – keep going. What other showbag are you not getting. She yells at me through her streaming tears: the Blow Up Bubble Gum!!!! I scream back at her, yes!! Keep going!! She yells, the Chupa Chuuuuuup….I said, yepp, and what else?? Maddhyson screams, NO!!! I’m getting the Freddo Frog and the Fizz Kidz!! I then say calmly ….. no Maddhyson. You ain’t getting shit for showbags this year…no fucking showbags at all. If you’d listened to me when I told you not to go on the Gravitron on a full stomach and without a drink of coke, you would be getting all these showbags. But instead, you get none of them.
Then, I deliberately left Maddhyson alone in the showbag pavilion, howling like a stuck pig, and I went and thoroughly enjoyed the easter show with the rest of the kids. The flying pigs were a highlight but we also loved the woodchopping, as well as the fancy rat parade.
Of course we could all hear the announcements about the lost bleached-blond five year old child in the showbag pavilion all day long, but do you reckon I went and got her? No fucking way. How do kids learn shit if you don’t put your foot down right from the start? They don’t, let me tell ya – they don’t.
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