Domestic Fucks

I’ve been thinking of something for a while now, tell me if yaz think its fucked up. So like I told yaz, I want a backyard makeover. At the moment we have no grass in the backyard, its just dried up dirt and shit. Simone and the pups like running around out there and digging holes and mudpits and we let them do it. Anyway, apart from the Hills Hoist and Gavo’s rusted out Datsun 120Y, a few rubber tyres, tarpaulins, the shed full of mull plants and boxes of Sudafed, there’s nothing else in the backyard except dirt. So I said to Gavo, you know, I’ve been thinking about making up a sob story for Backyard Blitz so they’ll come do our garden for us - but I think I should really call them. Gavo goes, fuck Kyyles, calm down. Who doesn’t want a backyard makeover? But Backyard Blitz aren’t gonna come out to fuckin Penno for a makeover! And we don’t have any kids with a fuckin rare diseases or cancer or fucking mong syndrome or anything, so why would they bother coming here?

Sometimes Gavo lacks imagination and I’ve told him this before but he doesn’t fucking listen. So I said Gavo, do you reckon when one of those families ring up Backyard Blitz and they say their kids have some fucking disease, that they ring the hospital and check? I don’t reckon they would. Why can’t I make up some shit about Maddhyson having some fucking disease? So this afternoon I’ve been on google researching rare diseases. After much thought and consideration I’ve decided Maddhyson has Fibrodysplasia Ossificans Progressiva. Some of the choices were: Noonan Syndrome, Narcolepsy, Paraneoplastic Pemphigus, Hutchinson-Gilford Progeria, Smallpox or Polio. But for various reasons, the main one being that Fibrodysplasia Ossificans Progressiva is the longest sounding one, that’s the disease I decided on. Also this one doesn’t require Maddhyson to be disfigured or pockmarked or drooling constantly or falling asleep while drinking a thickshake from Maccas, so I guess it’s the most convenient disease for her to have.

Maddhyson and I had a good talk tonight and I asked her how much she wanted a trampoline. She goes, fuck mum, I’d love a trampoline! I said, good. I’d like one too, and a spa, and some decking and a new BBQ. So I told her, Maddhyson, this is what I need you to do. Mummy’s gonna ring some people from TV and get them to come over. You need to do a special favour for mummy though. You need to act like a bit of a hunchback for mummy and look like you’re in a bit of pain. I told her, remember when daddy backed over your leg with the ute? Maddhyson goes…. no. I said, good. Do you remember when mummy stapled your hand to the carpet with the industrial stapler? She goes, yeah. I said, shit. Well do you remember how you cried and cried, and then after a while you just sat there, quietly whimpering? She goes, yeah. I said, well that’s what I’ll need from you when the TV people come over. Can you do that? She goes…..will they give me a trampoline? I said, I think they might! You just need to say something like, I’ve always wanted a trampoline, even though I always knew that with my rare disease, jumping on one would always be too painful. Can you do that? Maddhyson nodded. Good girl, I said.

Then I made the call to Channel 9. They told me Backyard Blitz isn’t on anymore, but Domestic Blitz is. I asked the girl on the phone, does Domestic Blitz makeover gardens as well? She goes, yeah, they do a full house and garden makeover. I said, righto, I want one of those coz my daughters got…… Fibrodysplasia Ossificans Progressiva. She says, well, the way this works is that someone in the community has to nominate your family…I said hold on a fucken moment - what? Why? She goes, well, someone in the community would complete a questionnaire, answering such questions as From your experience and knowledge, has this person had any traumatic experiences? If yes, please describe. Also, you would have to own your own home….. I said fuckin what? You only do makeovers for rich-ass cunts who already own a house? Fuck that! What kind of racist sexist bullshit is that? We live in housing commission house like all the rest of the family, are you fuckin telling me we can’t be on the show? The bitch goes, I’m afraid one of the conditions of nomination is owning your own home, although that could also include having a mortgage.

Yeah. A fuckin mortgage. I ended up hanging up on the bitch. But I’m not giving up on this fuckin idea. Come hell or high water, those cunts are doing over our house, I don’t care what it takes. Maybe I’ll look for a rarer disease, or maybe Maddhyson will have to be involved in some accident where she gets burns to 90% of her body, I don’t fuckin know yet. Watch this space.