Domestic Fucks

I’ve been thinking of something for a while now, tell me if yaz think its fucked up. So like I told yaz, I want a backyard makeover. At the moment we have no grass in the backyard, its just dried up dirt and shit. Simone and the pups like running around out there and digging holes and mudpits and we let them do it. Anyway, apart from the Hills Hoist and Gavo’s rusted out Datsun 120Y, a few rubber tyres, tarpaulins, the shed full of mull plants and boxes of Sudafed, there’s nothing else in the backyard except dirt. So I said to Gavo, you know, I’ve been thinking about making up a sob story for Backyard Blitz so they’ll come do our garden for us - but I think I should really call them. Gavo goes, fuck Kyyles, calm down. Who doesn’t want a backyard makeover? But Backyard Blitz aren’t gonna come out to fuckin Penno for a makeover! And we don’t have any kids with a fuckin rare diseases or cancer or fucking mong syndrome or anything, so why would they bother coming here?

Sometimes Gavo lacks imagination and I’ve told him this before but he doesn’t fucking listen. So I said Gavo, do you reckon when one of those families ring up Backyard Blitz and they say their kids have some fucking disease, that they ring the hospital and check? I don’t reckon they would. Why can’t I make up some shit about Maddhyson having some fucking disease? So this afternoon I’ve been on google researching rare diseases. After much thought and consideration I’ve decided Maddhyson has Fibrodysplasia Ossificans Progressiva. Some of the choices were: Noonan Syndrome, Narcolepsy, Paraneoplastic Pemphigus, Hutchinson-Gilford Progeria, Smallpox or Polio. But for various reasons, the main one being that Fibrodysplasia Ossificans Progressiva is the longest sounding one, that’s the disease I decided on. Also this one doesn’t require Maddhyson to be disfigured or pockmarked or drooling constantly or falling asleep while drinking a thickshake from Maccas, so I guess it’s the most convenient disease for her to have.

Maddhyson and I had a good talk tonight and I asked her how much she wanted a trampoline. She goes, fuck mum, I’d love a trampoline! I said, good. I’d like one too, and a spa, and some decking and a new BBQ. So I told her, Maddhyson, this is what I need you to do. Mummy’s gonna ring some people from TV and get them to come over. You need to do a special favour for mummy though. You need to act like a bit of a hunchback for mummy and look like you’re in a bit of pain. I told her, remember when daddy backed over your leg with the ute? Maddhyson goes…. no. I said, good. Do you remember when mummy stapled your hand to the carpet with the industrial stapler? She goes, yeah. I said, shit. Well do you remember how you cried and cried, and then after a while you just sat there, quietly whimpering? She goes, yeah. I said, well that’s what I’ll need from you when the TV people come over. Can you do that? She goes…..will they give me a trampoline? I said, I think they might! You just need to say something like, I’ve always wanted a trampoline, even though I always knew that with my rare disease, jumping on one would always be too painful. Can you do that? Maddhyson nodded. Good girl, I said.

Then I made the call to Channel 9. They told me Backyard Blitz isn’t on anymore, but Domestic Blitz is. I asked the girl on the phone, does Domestic Blitz makeover gardens as well? She goes, yeah, they do a full house and garden makeover. I said, righto, I want one of those coz my daughters got…… Fibrodysplasia Ossificans Progressiva. She says, well, the way this works is that someone in the community has to nominate your family…I said hold on a fucken moment - what? Why? She goes, well, someone in the community would complete a questionnaire, answering such questions as From your experience and knowledge, has this person had any traumatic experiences? If yes, please describe. Also, you would have to own your own home….. I said fuckin what? You only do makeovers for rich-ass cunts who already own a house? Fuck that! What kind of racist sexist bullshit is that? We live in housing commission house like all the rest of the family, are you fuckin telling me we can’t be on the show? The bitch goes, I’m afraid one of the conditions of nomination is owning your own home, although that could also include having a mortgage.

Yeah. A fuckin mortgage. I ended up hanging up on the bitch. But I’m not giving up on this fuckin idea. Come hell or high water, those cunts are doing over our house, I don’t care what it takes. Maybe I’ll look for a rarer disease, or maybe Maddhyson will have to be involved in some accident where she gets burns to 90% of her body, I don’t fuckin know yet. Watch this space.

The Easter Show!

Took the kids to the easter show today. Let me tell yaz a few things about the easter show: one, its really fucking hard to steal show bags coz they’re behind a barrier. Two: stealing shit out of people’s bags and prams is highly profitable and Three: don’t eat 3 dagwood dogs and get on the Gravitron.

I’ve told yaz before how much I fucking hate spuing right? So we all sit down for a nice meal of dagwood dogs, everyone’s favourite. We’re eating, eating, eating away and Maddhyson gets the bright idea, I might get on the Gravitron mum. I said, nah, no fuckin way you’re getting on the Gravitron, not until you’ve had a coke to calm your stomach. She goes, nah, I’ll be right. I said fine, on you get then. I gave her some coupons we’d found in someone’s handbag and off she went. Now I don’t know if I told yaz the last incident we had with Maddhyson at the easter show. I probably haven’t so I’ll quickly tell yaz. Last easter show Maddhyson insisted she wanted to go on the Sky Flyer after eating 2 dagwood dogs, a bucket of chips and a pink fairyfloss. I was like, I don’t know about that Maddhyson, you’re only four. She goes fuck ya mum, don’t tell me what I can and can’t do. So I said rightio, on ya get. I gave her some coupons I’d found in someone’s handbag and on she got. Well, everything was fine at first of course but after about the 100th spin, she started to look a bit funny. Then she started spuing her guts up - but they were spinning around so fast, about twenty people got coated in her pink spue. She got off the ride all crying and with pink and yellow hair. I was so mad I refused to look at her or hold her hand the rest of the day, so she pretty much spent the day trailing behind me and the other kids and having to watch us go on every ride without her. After spending the day covered in sticky goo and missing out on most of the rides, I would have thought she’d learnt her lesson. But no.

So of course she gets on the Gravitron this morning. Luckily we can’t see inside it while its going so we waited about 6 minutes before the ride was over. She comes stumbling out, crying. But then behind her comes out another 15 kids, also crying. They’re all pointing towards Maddhyson, who looks green, and whose hair, which is usually blonde coz we bleach it, is now an orangey brown. All the kids coming out behind her were also all orangey brown. I said, right Maddhyson, that’s it. No more fucking rides for you today, or possibly ever. Then what the fuck does she do? She starts the fucking spuing again. All over the grass. I said, right, that’s it.

I got a rubber glove out of my bag, one of the ones we usually use for stealing and shit, and I grab her hand, and I fucking march her down to the showbag pavilion and I point up and I say, Maddhyson. Which showbags do you want? She stops her spuing and looks up at me with a glimmer of hope in her little eyes, as if she was thinking, wow, maybe mum’s not gonna be so mad this time. So she points up at the back wall and starts going…um…Bertie Beetle…um… Blinkie Bill….um….Blow Up Bubble Gum…um… Chuppa Chup….um…Freddo Frog…and um… maybe the Fizz Kidz showbags? I said really? She goes, yeah mummy, really! They’re the ones I want! So I said to her, well guess what Maddhyson? Guess fucking what? Guess exactly which showbags you’re not getting? Her little spue covered eyes filled with tears and she goes, um….the Bertie Beatle? I said, yeah Maddhyson. Guess which other showbag you’re not getting? Now a little bit of snot comes out of her nose as she realizes the gravity of the situation. So she goes…the Blinkie Bill? I nod and say yes, Maddhyson, you’re not getting Bertie Beetle, you’re not getting Blinkie Bill. But guess what other showbag you’re not getting? At this point Maddhyson let out a wail, like one of those wails on Border Security when one of the Chinese ladies finds out that her dried fish is being confiscated…that primal howl is what I’m talking about. So Maddhyson howls. I go to her, no Maddhyson – keep going. What other showbag are you not getting. She yells at me through her streaming tears: the Blow Up Bubble Gum!!!! I scream back at her, yes!! Keep going!! She yells, the Chupa Chuuuuuup….I said, yepp, and what else?? Maddhyson screams, NO!!! I’m getting the Freddo Frog and the Fizz Kidz!! I then say calmly ….. no Maddhyson. You ain’t getting shit for showbags this year…no fucking showbags at all. If you’d listened to me when I told you not to go on the Gravitron on a full stomach and without a drink of coke, you would be getting all these showbags. But instead, you get none of them.

Then, I deliberately left Maddhyson alone in the showbag pavilion, howling like a stuck pig, and I went and thoroughly enjoyed the easter show with the rest of the kids. The flying pigs were a highlight but we also loved the woodchopping, as well as the fancy rat parade.

Of course we could all hear the announcements about the lost bleached-blond five year old child in the showbag pavilion all day long, but do you reckon I went and got her? No fucking way. How do kids learn shit if you don’t put your foot down right from the start? They don’t, let me tell ya – they don’t.

Who wouldn't steal a handbag?

I spent yesterday watching DVD’s coz I had the worst hangover ever. I spued out stuff I don’t even ever remember eating, like peas, corn, carrots and a piece of sherbet straw. Feeling a bit better today but it’ll be a while before I go near Jim Beam again. A couple of days at least I’m telling ya!

Anyway, last week cousin Darryl gave us a whole stack of burnt movies, mostly porn but a few other ones as well, like Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, Charlotte’s Web, Aliens and some kids movies like Jackass. The thing that I found really confusing is that there is an ad at the beginning of each DVD that goes something like this: a person is snatching a handbag from someone and it goes “you wouldn’t steal a handbag...” Then there’s a person handing a TV out a window to someone waiting outside and it goes “you wouldn’t steal a TV”. On and on the ad goes, about all the stuff you wouldn’t steal. Then the ad goes “movie piracy is a crime”.

First of all, its bullshit coz everyone knows pirates don’t exist anymore except in Pirates of the Caribbean, which I know is fiction coz there’s ghosts and shit in it, so they’ve fucked up on that count. Secondly, what the fuck are they talking about? WHO wouldn’t steal a handbag? WHO wouldn’t steal a TV? WHO wouldn’t steal all sorts of shit that isn’t glued down? Who are these people? Everyone in my family has got to where they are today, which is mostly Penrith, Mt Druitt, Rooty Hill, St Marys and Blacktown, by stealing shit. What do they think Friday break and enters are all about? How the fuck would we have a Sony Bravia telly if it wasn’t stolen? How would I have such a beautiful and varied collection of snow domes from Paris, London and Mt Isa if they weren’t taken off someone’s dresser? How would our family enjoy such a high standard of living, eating nuggets twice a week at least and always having some sort of alcohol and ciggies at the dinner table, if it wasn’t for the involuntary kindness of strangers? Who is the target audience for this ad? Not my fucken family and friends. I wanna find out who made the ad and call them and tell them they fucked up big time and that their ad is shit and ineffective and for some reason, the more DVD’s I watch, the more I wanna go out and steal more shit. Coz I fucken hate people telling me what I can and can’t do.

Alright so I better let yaz know that Trenty’s ears got slightly infected last night. It got a bit red and itchy and hot, nothing major. He did scream pretty loud though once the Xanax wore off so Keith ended up taking him to the hospital. Apparently babies’ immune systems aren’t as strong as adults, so Trenty just had some difficulty fighting off the infection, that’s all. The nurse also said the ears didn’t look like they were pierced by professionals, but Keith and I told her in no uncertain terms that that was bullshit, if anyone knew about needles it was us. While the nurse went off to get something in the other room, Keith looked through the drawers and grabbed some stuff. We were really hoping for OxyContin or Vicodin but we didn’t have too much time coz the nurse wasn’t gone too long, so I just told Keith to grab whatever he could find in the drawers while I kept watch, so he did. When we got home we realized he’d only managed to grab whooping cough and swine flu vaccines and some saline eye wash but never mind, you never know when those things might come in handy.

Anyway, Trenty ended up getting his ears cleaned up and he got some antibiotics and it was all right as rain. Now he’s in our bedroom, sleeping like a fucken baby, coz he is one.

Keith is pretty excited coz he’s taking Trenty to see his mum at Silverwater tomorrow. Shayla reckons its not as bad on the inside this time as it was last time, but I think that’s coz she and her room-mate are getting along better. For example her new room-mate hasn’t tried to finger her in her sleep, and has only once threatened to stab her, so things aren’t so bad. She does miss Trenty though she reckons. I tried to cheer her up when she went in - I said, Shayla luv, trust me on this, missing the first five years of your kid’s life is a godsend. All your doin’ is cleaning up shit, piss and vomit and not getting much sleep, if I were you I’d think of jail like a fucken holiday but better, coz you’re not sleeping in a tent. And think about it, by the time you get out, Trenty will be starting school. Shayla goes, yeah, I guess so – but I think she was still cut up about it. I think she’s still a bit sensitive about kids, with the twins being taken away and everything. I told her to get over that too though, she’s 24, she can have a few more when she gets out, I don’t know what the big fucken deal is.

Anyway, I better go, Simone and her pups need a feed and Gavo’s having a whinge about dinner. I told him we’re having burgers tonight though and that he’s gotta go get em from the fish and chip shop, so I don’t know what the fuck he’s whining at me for. Seeyaz.

Trenty

Sometimes I get fully shocked by shit and yesterday was one of those days. I’ll tell yaz what happened.

So yesterday like I told yaz, I went with cousin Keith to take Trent, his two month old, to get his ears pierced. I told Keith weeks ago, Keith, Trenty’s a month old, what’s holdin yaz up with getting his ears pierced? I know with Jaydden, Jayson, Maddhyson and Shazza I got their ears done when they were four weeks old. No-one can tell me it didn’t look good coz it did. All their friends had their ears pierced at four weeks old so you know, peer pressure was also a factor. Last week I said, Keith, Trenty’s seven weeks – come on! You gotta get his ears done, all his friends at the community health centre are gonna be commenting on his lack of ear jewellery. Finally this week, Keith said, righto then, let’s get it done.

So down we go to the plaza, the same place where Shazza got her nipples done. She was only 13 at the time but a few of her friends were doing it so I told her no worries Shaz, go and get it done if that’s what you want, and she did. Apart from a few infections and a couple of fevers and a few visits to emergency when she’s got it hooked on a rug or a friend’s ponytail, she’s had no problems with it whatsoever. The point I’m making is that Shazza was underage but they still did it, no probs, no fuckin lectures. But in we walk yesterday and we go, hi, we wanna get Trent’s ears pierced. The stupid bitch at the front counter goes, nah, we don’t do babies. I said, what the fuck do you mean you don’t do babies? The girl goes, we don’t believe that babies should be getting their ears pierced, it’s completely unnecessary. At that point Keith’s ears pricked up coz he doesn’t like being told he’s a shit dad. Ever since the twins got taken away last year it’s been a bit of a sore spot for him. So he goes, what the fuck did you say? She goes, I said we can’t pierce your baby’s ears coz he’s too young. Keith fucking lost it let me tell ya. He chucked a massive shit, yelling out, are you telling me how to raise my fucking kid? Are ya? Is that what you're fucking trying to do? The girl goes, nah, I’m not telling ya how to raise your kid - all I’m saying is that we can’t pierce your kid’s ears. Keith goes, right, so what’s the fucking age limit on getting ears pierced in this shithole? The girl goes, six – the child’s gotta be at least six. Keith goes, six months or six years? The girl goes, six years. Keith goes, right. Trenty’s six years old. The girl rolled her eyes and said, I’m sorry, but your child is quite obviously not six years old, he’s a baby. Fuck me - Keith got even more pissed off at that point. He goes, are you telling me I don’t know how old my own child is? I’m fucking telling ya that Trenty’s six, he’s just small for his age! He's got some disease! It was on Today Tonight! Just fuckin pierce his ears! Or if you're not gonna fucken do it, give me the fuckin piercing gun and I’ll do it myself!

At that point security was called and Keith, Trent and I were escorted out of the plaza. Again. Can you fuckin believe that shit? It’s bad enough DOCS interfering and tellin ya shit all the time - don’t do this, don’t do that, don’t leave your kids in the car with the window rolled up, make sure there’s an adult in the house minding your kids when you go away for a week, don’t feed your kids only fried food, make sure your kids go to school every day, check your kids for lice, get them immunized, comb their hair, buy them new uniforms when they grow out of their old uniforms, sign their homework form, don’t shoot up in front of them – does it ever fuckin end?

That’s how we ended up at our place, with the needle Gavo used to shoot up earlier in the day [while the older kids were at school thank you Bethany from DOCS if you’re reading this]. And don’t get ya knickers in a twist, he wiped it down with Isocol first alright?! None of us are that fuckin stupid, even though I can happily report that Gavo doesn’t have anything except tinia on his feet and psoriasis on the back of his knees which isn’t contagious apparently. So while I numbed Trenty’s earlobes with some ice cubes, Keith got Gavo’s needle, all cleaned up, and pushed it right through Trenty’s earlobe. You’d think the screaming would’ve been loud but it wasn’t, it was just a little whimper, coz we gave Trenty some Xanax mixed up in his Karicare Gold formula so he was docile as, the whole time. We did the other ear too, no probs at all.

Trenty looks so cute now with his nice gold studs. Keith’s real proud. The Xanax has worn off though so Trenty won’t stop crying but I reckon he’ll cry himself to sleep soon enough. I did notice his ears are a bit swollen but I’m sure they’ll go down soon.

Ok, I better go, the screamings a bit high pitch now and getting annoying. Might give him a bit more of that Karicare Gold. Seeyaz.

Turns out Mercedes wasn't cured after all coz she snorted a line quicker than you could say "discharge papers." Gavo said maybe I shouldn't have tempted her but I reckon you don't know if you were successful at something until you're tempted with it again. And Mercedes just wasn't successful, and that isn't my fault, its the fault of the crap hospital where she'd been staying, obviously not getting her the right treatment. Whatever, not my problem. We had a fun night and that's the main thing.
Maddhyson finally stopped vomiting last night by the time I got home around 3am but god it annoyed me. I really hate it when people are sick and especially vomiting. It stinks and the noise is disgusting. Made her clean it up of course, I wouldn't go near that stuff with a ten foot pole. Even when she was a baby I wouldn't touch her spue, I'd make Gavo clean it up. That's just me.

So Friday break & enter was fun but we only got a few things: a camera, a My Little Pony set including My Little Pony stables (for Maddhyson), a chainsaw, some beer, a 2008 kitten calendar with stickers, a leopard skin rug and a torch. We only ended up doing one house coz a few of the ones we had planned to rob seemed to have cars parked out the front like people were home. We don't really like to break in while people are home, not with the whole family and especially not while Jaydden's wrist is still on an angle. I'm sure that'll heal soon though.

I've gotta go now coz cousin Keith is taking his 2 month old son Trent to the plaza to get his ears pierced and I said I'd go with them, so seeyaz.

Just a quick one

I was just gonna tell yazz about break & enter on Friday but I won't be able to right now coz Maddhyson's got food poisoning. All she had for lunch today was a bag of mixed lollies so I don't know what did it exactly, but she's on the toilet spueing her guts up. Anyway, I hate the sound of spuing so I'm gonna leave her to it for a while and go next door and visit Mercedes. She just got out of rehab this morning, so I'm gonna pop over with my bag of speed and see if she's cured. Seeyaz tomorrow.