Quit your whining bitches!

Right, fuckyaz all who’ve been writing me hate mail telling me to write the blog. Times have been fucking hard, not that youz cunts would care. Its not like I’ve been too busy to write coz my acrylic nails are too long and I’m finding it hard to type. No. Its coz our fucken house burnt down and this is the first day I’ve had access to the internet. Even this I’m writing at the net café in the Westfields in front of Bed Bath n Table.

I’ve got about half an hour so I’ll make this quick. I’ll tell yaz about the fire later. More important than us being homeless though: according to the signs that have just been put up outside the station, there’s an election on the 21st of August and Lindsay is in the news about being an important seat. I don’t know who this Lindsay is mind you - the only Lindsay I know is the Lohan one and the fat one with the moustache who came to the Christmas BBQ at cousin Darryl’s a few years ago and who passed out in the baby pool and drowned but I don’t think that’s who they’re talking about. I’ll have to figure that one out later. But more importantly, where are these seats? I can’t even find seats on the Westbus to Cambridge Park these days so why does this Lindsay get some sort of important seat? What the fuck is so important about her? I’ll pretty much just smash the bitch if I see her.

The election stuff has been interesting though. A couple of weeks ago, while the fire brigade people were finishing off their investigations into why our house got burnt down when Maddhyson poured petrol down the kitchen sink and lit it, I came down to Franklins to pick up some devon and cream cheese for cousin Darryl and I got stopped in the car park and interviewed about the election. There were nice young guys there from the army or navy, whichever runs the boat people. They were asking questions for a show they were doing, called Chasing the War of Everything. Anyway they had some kind of navy or army boat parked there and they were nice enough to tell us about what they were doing to keep the boats out of Australia. They asked what I thought about boat people and I told them about the paddle steamer that runs up and down the Nepean. That could have picked up all sorts of illegal immigrants. My theory is that most boat people are trying to get to Blacktown. When they got off their boats at Darwin or Nairu or Easter Island, they looked at the map of Australia and saw Blacktown, and they thought, right, that’s where we’ve gotta go. So they all got back in their boats and came down the Nepean in that sneaky fuckin paddle steamer and cruised into Blacktown and they’ve been hiding out there ever since. That’s where this election campaign needs to be focused on I reckon. At the station at Blacktown or the Centro at Seven Hills. I told the navy people all about it and it got put on telly. When they asked whether I wanted the boat people let in, I said to them, ‘no way - not in my backyard’. I don’t have a backyard at the moment obviously, or a front yard, or a house, or even a spare pair of undies, on account of it all having being burnt down, but you know what I mean. People on Today Tonight say that all the time and I know you have to be pretty switched on to get on that show.

I’m not racist or nothing but I don’t want those immigrants taking our jobs. Not that anyone in my family has a job but if they did, I wouldn’t want them losing it one day to those boat people. You never know, Maddhyson could one day reach for the stars and aspire to work at a car wash café but how would she even get a foot in the door when those boat people are already all working there?

Those army/navy guys and that very gay man from the election ads, Tony Abbott, are spot on. The boats need to be stopped, ASAP. Yes, its true that my ancestors came here on a ship, but ships are bigger than boats and have more life jackets.

Drugs are a "sometimes" food.

If youz are reading this thinking drugs are cool coz of what I wrote the other day, I’ll tell yaz something: drugs are not cool at all. It was fun at the time, sure, but my come-down was so shit this time that I almost chewed the inside of my face off. Maddhyson’s was pretty shit too. I suppose you never know how speed affects a five year old but now I know: not so well. Like I said, she cleaned her room up real good and raked the garden up and even cleaned the shed and hydro equipment. She re-organised the bottles of chemicals in the ice lab alphabetically, which is pretty helpful coz it was kinda messy in there. Then she cleaned out the ute, polished our plastic cutlery with Windex and then picked up all the dead cockroaches from under our beds and made a necklace out of them by threading them onto a piece of string. She seemed pretty creative and enthusiastic about everything the whole day but then next few days she had big time burn out. She didn’t wanna eat her nuggets and potato scallops, didn’t wanna eat her jelly snakes, all she wanted to eat was grape Hubba Bubba which she chewed frantically until her jaws ached. She didn’t even wanna wear her cockroach necklace coz she said their legs were too scratchy on her neck.

I learnt several good lessons from this. Firstly, keep an eye on the amount of speed, or any other gear for that matter, that you give small children. Just coz they nag ya for more at the time does not mean that you give in to their demands like some kind of dumbass pushover of a parent. I see that at Franklins all the time, fat little fuckers at the checkouts with snot dripping down their faces, nagging their mum for a Snickers or a Cherry Ripe or a packet of Winnie Menthols and the mums just giving in without a fight or a slap in the face. Fuck that! How are the kids gonna learn that if they want that shit they need to work for it. Steal some car radios or CD’s or coins out of cars, sell some pot at their primary school or at least get a paper round or something. Kids just have no idea of the value of money these days and still haven’t grasped the reality that Cennelink only pays you once every fortnight.

The second thing I learnt is that except the times when your house is really messy and you want a good spring clean, its better to give kids downers rather than uppers. I know when I give Maddhyson a couple of valiums, she’s much quieter, less hyperactive and is much happier about being left home alone when I need to do important stuff, like get my acrylic nails re-done. Usually when I get home she’s in the same spot where I left her, on the couch, playing with the corner of the cushion until her fingers are calloused, sometimes drooling a bit out of the corner of her mouth but usually just relaxing and watching whatever is on the telly, coz she doesn’t have enough energy to change the channel.

And thirdly I learnt that although you try to be the best parent you can be, some fuckers like Bethany from DOCS are still gonna get up your ass about something or other. Bethany, if you’re reading this, Maddhyson’s fine, the rest of the kids are fine, us taking drugs together is a rare thing, and we consider it kinda bonding for the family. So don’t get on your high horse about drugs you fucking hypocrite. I know you’d give your kids cough medicine when they needed it even though everyone knows cough medicine is made from heroin. And I know you’d give your kids coke when they’re thirsty, even though everyone knows coke’s made from cocaine. So just stop telling me how to raise my kids and just SHUT THE FUCK UP WILL YA!!

EVERYBODY MAKE SOME NOISE!!!!!!!!!!

Could youz just shut the fuck up, allyaz who’ve been nagging me about writing. Especially that bitch of a cousin of mine, Em, whose thrush is really bad and who keeps using my thrush cream even though she knows I’ve run out of it from the last really bad bout of it I had. I know you’re reading this cousin Em so listen up – stop using my thrush cream, it doesn’t go unnoticed, I just never wanted to say anything about it before but this time I’ve had enough. You got that? Good. Coz it’s fucking $8 a tube and that’s $8 I’d rather be spending on goon or potato scallops. And yes, next time I see you I’ll pretend I was talking about some other cousin Em who doesn’t have thrush as severely as you - but you and I will both know I really am talking about you.

So I’ve been off the radar a while, yeah, but it’s not coz I’ve gotten hooked back on the speed. Ok, so it is coz I have gotten slightly hooked back on the speed but that’s not a good excuse for not writing, in fact, I should be writing more, and typing faster. On that note, you should know that I’m actually typing at 300 words a minute and I don’t know if you know that that’s fast but let me tell ya it’s fucking fast. If you were standing behind me right now and if you were I would shit myself and wonder how you got in the house, but say you somehow had gotten in without me noticing and Simone didn’t rip your balls off and you were standing behind me right now like some fucking stalker possibly holding a weapon of some kind, you would look at my two fingers on the keyboard and go FUCK she’s typing so fast, I’ve never seen anyone type that fast and you’d be right, you wouldn’t have ever seen anyone type that fast coz that’s how fucking fast I’m typing right now. It’s not just the speed though I mean it pretty much is but not only that, it’s just this amazing gift I have. I actually wrote this quicker than you’re reading it right now. You know how long it took you to read that last sentence, the one that said “I actually wrote this quicker than you’re reading this right now”? Well, as fast as you read that is as fast as I wrote this whole thing, I’m not fucking shitting you. I am on fucking fire tonight, WHOOOO I fucking love the world. I fucking love things like crystals and guinea pigs and sparklers, like the ones on birthday cakes and I actually also love birthday cakes and Holdens, I’ve never told anyone this but I love Holdens I really really love Holdens they are my fucking number one favourite car but I keep this secret, Gavo can’t fucking know that and don’t fucking bring this up when you come over if you ever come over coz I’ll fucking deny it. I also fucking love mountains coz they’re tall, not all of the bits of the mountain but the parts closer to the top of it are tall coz they’re really high up and I like that coz when you’re on one you can look down and see shit in the distance even if your ears get blocked or it gets cold up there. I also love elephants just coz they have trunks and shit and they can pick things up with their trunks, like bananas and carrots and bamboo but I don’t think they like eating bamboo although pandas do and I fucking love pandas, I seriously fucking love pandas, when I see a panda, whether one at the zoo or on a calendar, I fucking laugh coz they’re so fluffy and I think, fuck, imagine being a panda and lying around all day eating fucking bamboo and shit and having people laugh at you and wanna hug you coz you’re so fucking fluffy and I wonder if their fur really is soft and fluffy or if its actually kinda coarse when you touch it, sometimes things can be deceiving like that. FUCK I’m high right now!!! The funniest thing today was that I put a tiny bit of speed in Maddhyson’s milk coz I asked her to clean her room but she wouldn’t and I knew she needed some motivation so I put in a teaspoon and at first she was fidgety and cranky as shit but then she cleaned her room up so fucking good you wouldn’t believe it, she vacuumed and dusted and polished her ballerina figurines and then she insisted on doing a load of laundry and washed her sheets and Dora quilt cover set and when she finished with that she asked if she could mow the lawn coz she was feeling so awake and I said fuck Maddhyson, you sure you wanna mow the lawn, you’re only five, and she goes fuck yeah, let me mow it right now, I said, righto and I got her the mower but then I realized our backyard was just dirt, not much grass there at all, so she goes, fuck the mower mum, I’ll rake shit up, I need to rake shit up, so I got her the rake and she’s been raking the leaves and garden debris from one side of the garden to the other and it looks almost like a Japanese ornamental garden now, I don’t even know if I’ll still need Domestic Blitz coz the garden looks so fucking clean. FUCK I just had another line and everything feels great and Maddhyson just came in and asked for some of that “special milk” so I gave her some and now she’s back to raking, I’m not sure how much more raking the garden can take but now when I look out the window I realize she is re-arranging the hydro equipment in the shed, I’m not sure if that’s a good idea but fuck it she’s probably gonna do a good job coz she seems to really be concentrating on it. Hang on, she’s asking for a Chupa Chup.
Ok I just gave her a Chupa Chup, she says that’s all she wants for dinner. She’s a good girl.

So how long did it take for you to read up to that point? Two minutes? One minute? Well I swear on my life I fucking typed this out in thirty seconds with only two fingers, so fuck you all, fuck all of you coz I’m the fucking best there is, there is nothing and no-one better than me, not the Dalai Lama, not Michael Jackson, not Eckhart Tolle, not God, coz I RULE THE FUCKING WORLD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Domestic Fucks

I’ve been thinking of something for a while now, tell me if yaz think its fucked up. So like I told yaz, I want a backyard makeover. At the moment we have no grass in the backyard, its just dried up dirt and shit. Simone and the pups like running around out there and digging holes and mudpits and we let them do it. Anyway, apart from the Hills Hoist and Gavo’s rusted out Datsun 120Y, a few rubber tyres, tarpaulins, the shed full of mull plants and boxes of Sudafed, there’s nothing else in the backyard except dirt. So I said to Gavo, you know, I’ve been thinking about making up a sob story for Backyard Blitz so they’ll come do our garden for us - but I think I should really call them. Gavo goes, fuck Kyyles, calm down. Who doesn’t want a backyard makeover? But Backyard Blitz aren’t gonna come out to fuckin Penno for a makeover! And we don’t have any kids with a fuckin rare diseases or cancer or fucking mong syndrome or anything, so why would they bother coming here?

Sometimes Gavo lacks imagination and I’ve told him this before but he doesn’t fucking listen. So I said Gavo, do you reckon when one of those families ring up Backyard Blitz and they say their kids have some fucking disease, that they ring the hospital and check? I don’t reckon they would. Why can’t I make up some shit about Maddhyson having some fucking disease? So this afternoon I’ve been on google researching rare diseases. After much thought and consideration I’ve decided Maddhyson has Fibrodysplasia Ossificans Progressiva. Some of the choices were: Noonan Syndrome, Narcolepsy, Paraneoplastic Pemphigus, Hutchinson-Gilford Progeria, Smallpox or Polio. But for various reasons, the main one being that Fibrodysplasia Ossificans Progressiva is the longest sounding one, that’s the disease I decided on. Also this one doesn’t require Maddhyson to be disfigured or pockmarked or drooling constantly or falling asleep while drinking a thickshake from Maccas, so I guess it’s the most convenient disease for her to have.

Maddhyson and I had a good talk tonight and I asked her how much she wanted a trampoline. She goes, fuck mum, I’d love a trampoline! I said, good. I’d like one too, and a spa, and some decking and a new BBQ. So I told her, Maddhyson, this is what I need you to do. Mummy’s gonna ring some people from TV and get them to come over. You need to do a special favour for mummy though. You need to act like a bit of a hunchback for mummy and look like you’re in a bit of pain. I told her, remember when daddy backed over your leg with the ute? Maddhyson goes…. no. I said, good. Do you remember when mummy stapled your hand to the carpet with the industrial stapler? She goes, yeah. I said, shit. Well do you remember how you cried and cried, and then after a while you just sat there, quietly whimpering? She goes, yeah. I said, well that’s what I’ll need from you when the TV people come over. Can you do that? She goes…..will they give me a trampoline? I said, I think they might! You just need to say something like, I’ve always wanted a trampoline, even though I always knew that with my rare disease, jumping on one would always be too painful. Can you do that? Maddhyson nodded. Good girl, I said.

Then I made the call to Channel 9. They told me Backyard Blitz isn’t on anymore, but Domestic Blitz is. I asked the girl on the phone, does Domestic Blitz makeover gardens as well? She goes, yeah, they do a full house and garden makeover. I said, righto, I want one of those coz my daughters got…… Fibrodysplasia Ossificans Progressiva. She says, well, the way this works is that someone in the community has to nominate your family…I said hold on a fucken moment - what? Why? She goes, well, someone in the community would complete a questionnaire, answering such questions as From your experience and knowledge, has this person had any traumatic experiences? If yes, please describe. Also, you would have to own your own home….. I said fuckin what? You only do makeovers for rich-ass cunts who already own a house? Fuck that! What kind of racist sexist bullshit is that? We live in housing commission house like all the rest of the family, are you fuckin telling me we can’t be on the show? The bitch goes, I’m afraid one of the conditions of nomination is owning your own home, although that could also include having a mortgage.

Yeah. A fuckin mortgage. I ended up hanging up on the bitch. But I’m not giving up on this fuckin idea. Come hell or high water, those cunts are doing over our house, I don’t care what it takes. Maybe I’ll look for a rarer disease, or maybe Maddhyson will have to be involved in some accident where she gets burns to 90% of her body, I don’t fuckin know yet. Watch this space.

The Easter Show!

Took the kids to the easter show today. Let me tell yaz a few things about the easter show: one, its really fucking hard to steal show bags coz they’re behind a barrier. Two: stealing shit out of people’s bags and prams is highly profitable and Three: don’t eat 3 dagwood dogs and get on the Gravitron.

I’ve told yaz before how much I fucking hate spuing right? So we all sit down for a nice meal of dagwood dogs, everyone’s favourite. We’re eating, eating, eating away and Maddhyson gets the bright idea, I might get on the Gravitron mum. I said, nah, no fuckin way you’re getting on the Gravitron, not until you’ve had a coke to calm your stomach. She goes, nah, I’ll be right. I said fine, on you get then. I gave her some coupons we’d found in someone’s handbag and off she went. Now I don’t know if I told yaz the last incident we had with Maddhyson at the easter show. I probably haven’t so I’ll quickly tell yaz. Last easter show Maddhyson insisted she wanted to go on the Sky Flyer after eating 2 dagwood dogs, a bucket of chips and a pink fairyfloss. I was like, I don’t know about that Maddhyson, you’re only four. She goes fuck ya mum, don’t tell me what I can and can’t do. So I said rightio, on ya get. I gave her some coupons I’d found in someone’s handbag and on she got. Well, everything was fine at first of course but after about the 100th spin, she started to look a bit funny. Then she started spuing her guts up - but they were spinning around so fast, about twenty people got coated in her pink spue. She got off the ride all crying and with pink and yellow hair. I was so mad I refused to look at her or hold her hand the rest of the day, so she pretty much spent the day trailing behind me and the other kids and having to watch us go on every ride without her. After spending the day covered in sticky goo and missing out on most of the rides, I would have thought she’d learnt her lesson. But no.

So of course she gets on the Gravitron this morning. Luckily we can’t see inside it while its going so we waited about 6 minutes before the ride was over. She comes stumbling out, crying. But then behind her comes out another 15 kids, also crying. They’re all pointing towards Maddhyson, who looks green, and whose hair, which is usually blonde coz we bleach it, is now an orangey brown. All the kids coming out behind her were also all orangey brown. I said, right Maddhyson, that’s it. No more fucking rides for you today, or possibly ever. Then what the fuck does she do? She starts the fucking spuing again. All over the grass. I said, right, that’s it.

I got a rubber glove out of my bag, one of the ones we usually use for stealing and shit, and I grab her hand, and I fucking march her down to the showbag pavilion and I point up and I say, Maddhyson. Which showbags do you want? She stops her spuing and looks up at me with a glimmer of hope in her little eyes, as if she was thinking, wow, maybe mum’s not gonna be so mad this time. So she points up at the back wall and starts going…um…Bertie Beetle…um… Blinkie Bill….um….Blow Up Bubble Gum…um… Chuppa Chup….um…Freddo Frog…and um… maybe the Fizz Kidz showbags? I said really? She goes, yeah mummy, really! They’re the ones I want! So I said to her, well guess what Maddhyson? Guess fucking what? Guess exactly which showbags you’re not getting? Her little spue covered eyes filled with tears and she goes, um….the Bertie Beatle? I said, yeah Maddhyson. Guess which other showbag you’re not getting? Now a little bit of snot comes out of her nose as she realizes the gravity of the situation. So she goes…the Blinkie Bill? I nod and say yes, Maddhyson, you’re not getting Bertie Beetle, you’re not getting Blinkie Bill. But guess what other showbag you’re not getting? At this point Maddhyson let out a wail, like one of those wails on Border Security when one of the Chinese ladies finds out that her dried fish is being confiscated…that primal howl is what I’m talking about. So Maddhyson howls. I go to her, no Maddhyson – keep going. What other showbag are you not getting. She yells at me through her streaming tears: the Blow Up Bubble Gum!!!! I scream back at her, yes!! Keep going!! She yells, the Chupa Chuuuuuup….I said, yepp, and what else?? Maddhyson screams, NO!!! I’m getting the Freddo Frog and the Fizz Kidz!! I then say calmly ….. no Maddhyson. You ain’t getting shit for showbags this year…no fucking showbags at all. If you’d listened to me when I told you not to go on the Gravitron on a full stomach and without a drink of coke, you would be getting all these showbags. But instead, you get none of them.

Then, I deliberately left Maddhyson alone in the showbag pavilion, howling like a stuck pig, and I went and thoroughly enjoyed the easter show with the rest of the kids. The flying pigs were a highlight but we also loved the woodchopping, as well as the fancy rat parade.

Of course we could all hear the announcements about the lost bleached-blond five year old child in the showbag pavilion all day long, but do you reckon I went and got her? No fucking way. How do kids learn shit if you don’t put your foot down right from the start? They don’t, let me tell ya – they don’t.

Who wouldn't steal a handbag?

I spent yesterday watching DVD’s coz I had the worst hangover ever. I spued out stuff I don’t even ever remember eating, like peas, corn, carrots and a piece of sherbet straw. Feeling a bit better today but it’ll be a while before I go near Jim Beam again. A couple of days at least I’m telling ya!

Anyway, last week cousin Darryl gave us a whole stack of burnt movies, mostly porn but a few other ones as well, like Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, Charlotte’s Web, Aliens and some kids movies like Jackass. The thing that I found really confusing is that there is an ad at the beginning of each DVD that goes something like this: a person is snatching a handbag from someone and it goes “you wouldn’t steal a handbag...” Then there’s a person handing a TV out a window to someone waiting outside and it goes “you wouldn’t steal a TV”. On and on the ad goes, about all the stuff you wouldn’t steal. Then the ad goes “movie piracy is a crime”.

First of all, its bullshit coz everyone knows pirates don’t exist anymore except in Pirates of the Caribbean, which I know is fiction coz there’s ghosts and shit in it, so they’ve fucked up on that count. Secondly, what the fuck are they talking about? WHO wouldn’t steal a handbag? WHO wouldn’t steal a TV? WHO wouldn’t steal all sorts of shit that isn’t glued down? Who are these people? Everyone in my family has got to where they are today, which is mostly Penrith, Mt Druitt, Rooty Hill, St Marys and Blacktown, by stealing shit. What do they think Friday break and enters are all about? How the fuck would we have a Sony Bravia telly if it wasn’t stolen? How would I have such a beautiful and varied collection of snow domes from Paris, London and Mt Isa if they weren’t taken off someone’s dresser? How would our family enjoy such a high standard of living, eating nuggets twice a week at least and always having some sort of alcohol and ciggies at the dinner table, if it wasn’t for the involuntary kindness of strangers? Who is the target audience for this ad? Not my fucken family and friends. I wanna find out who made the ad and call them and tell them they fucked up big time and that their ad is shit and ineffective and for some reason, the more DVD’s I watch, the more I wanna go out and steal more shit. Coz I fucken hate people telling me what I can and can’t do.

Alright so I better let yaz know that Trenty’s ears got slightly infected last night. It got a bit red and itchy and hot, nothing major. He did scream pretty loud though once the Xanax wore off so Keith ended up taking him to the hospital. Apparently babies’ immune systems aren’t as strong as adults, so Trenty just had some difficulty fighting off the infection, that’s all. The nurse also said the ears didn’t look like they were pierced by professionals, but Keith and I told her in no uncertain terms that that was bullshit, if anyone knew about needles it was us. While the nurse went off to get something in the other room, Keith looked through the drawers and grabbed some stuff. We were really hoping for OxyContin or Vicodin but we didn’t have too much time coz the nurse wasn’t gone too long, so I just told Keith to grab whatever he could find in the drawers while I kept watch, so he did. When we got home we realized he’d only managed to grab whooping cough and swine flu vaccines and some saline eye wash but never mind, you never know when those things might come in handy.

Anyway, Trenty ended up getting his ears cleaned up and he got some antibiotics and it was all right as rain. Now he’s in our bedroom, sleeping like a fucken baby, coz he is one.

Keith is pretty excited coz he’s taking Trenty to see his mum at Silverwater tomorrow. Shayla reckons its not as bad on the inside this time as it was last time, but I think that’s coz she and her room-mate are getting along better. For example her new room-mate hasn’t tried to finger her in her sleep, and has only once threatened to stab her, so things aren’t so bad. She does miss Trenty though she reckons. I tried to cheer her up when she went in - I said, Shayla luv, trust me on this, missing the first five years of your kid’s life is a godsend. All your doin’ is cleaning up shit, piss and vomit and not getting much sleep, if I were you I’d think of jail like a fucken holiday but better, coz you’re not sleeping in a tent. And think about it, by the time you get out, Trenty will be starting school. Shayla goes, yeah, I guess so – but I think she was still cut up about it. I think she’s still a bit sensitive about kids, with the twins being taken away and everything. I told her to get over that too though, she’s 24, she can have a few more when she gets out, I don’t know what the big fucken deal is.

Anyway, I better go, Simone and her pups need a feed and Gavo’s having a whinge about dinner. I told him we’re having burgers tonight though and that he’s gotta go get em from the fish and chip shop, so I don’t know what the fuck he’s whining at me for. Seeyaz.